One of the biggest things I struggle with, in my walk with God, is feelings of worthlessness. So many faults, so little patience and grace with myself . . . surely God gets just as fed up as I do with my many hang-ups and shortcomings. At some point I just expect him to write me off. How does a perfectly holy God deal with my spineless junk?
This is weird, really, because I’ve never had anyone close to me decide I wasn’t worth it and just write me off . . . send me packing. Later Gator. My parents have always been supportive and loving, my husband is amazingly loving and supportive; always shoving in my face how I’m short-changing myself consistently. If anything, Justin sees more potential than shortcomings.
This past year, it really ate at me. I let go of my personal time with God because it was littered so heavily with this gnawing thought pattern of worthlessness . . . and it’s slowly gone down hill since. I was tired of attempting to be perfect, to earn my badge of spirituality and righteousness through my own ability. There was a side of me that, I think, believed I had earned what little spirituality I had erected around me . . . if that makes sense. A type of entitlement to the relationship I did have with God. Well, that required an amazing amount of upkeep. And an amazing amount of scrutinizing those around me for not doing the same.
Even now I want to take credit in learning these lessons . . . but in reality it is all by THE GRACE OF GOD. All of it. No way can we open our own spiritual eyes to Him and His truth . . .He does it. We make ourselves willing . . . we face Him and walk towards Him perhaps, but He does the rest. Even the facing Him part . . . He prompts that, His blood created a way. If He hadn’t died on that cross and rose from that grave, we couldn’t even glance at Him without dying of shame.
Instead, we get to see the shame . . . it’s backside as it’s hurled as far as the east is from the west . . . repenting before Him.
I asked God to take that nasty deep dark lie of worthlessness and hurl it. Where it came from I don’t know AND I don’t give donkey’s back-end. I just know I can’t worship Him in truth or talk to Him freely with it yapping and taking up space between God and I.
A weight has been lifted. A sigh of relief has been exhaled. Tears have washed my eyes.
I feel hopeful for the first time in over a year. Hopeful that I am worth it. But more importantly . . . God is worth it. Worth pushing through. Worth the effort.
The one thing I can say. There is nothing in this world or the next, that satisfies, that finds those deep down connecting fibers and replenishes fully, like our God. Peace, Hope and Love . . . the three most important aspects written about in the New Testament. Love being the upmost important.
So if you’re struggling with worthlessness . . . you see ALL your shortcomings, instead of the sheer grace and mercy of our God. Stop there, ask God to take that shame and then praise Him for the sacrifice He has already made . . . praise Him for the freedom given and then keep thanking Him, keep praising Him, keep learning about Him . . . walking with Him daily. There you will find that highly sought after peace, hope and love.
And remember, there is no condemnation, but conviction. God wants to be close to you, wants what’s best for you . . . keep that in mind in the gentle convictions of His spirit. Overwhelming shame and condemnation is not how I’ve found He works . . . seek Him, know Him, worship Him and listen to that still small voice. You will be better for it!