Category Archives: My Faith

Choice

We only realize the power of the moral law when it comes with an “if.” God never coerces us. In one mood we wish He would make us do the thing, and in another mood we wish He would leave us alone. Whenever God’s will is in the ascendant, all compulsion is gone. When we choose deliberately to obey Him, then He will tax the remotest star and the last grain of sand to assist us with all His almighty power.

~Oswald Chambers

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May is Nearly OVER!

What?! Why didn’t anyone tell me? Holy crap!

Justin’s birthday is in 3 days . . . 3 DAYS! Mine is Thursday . . . I think . . . I haven’t been staring at a calendar today.

Most of all, we move in one month . . . like, 30 days! My panic button goes off around 2 – 4 AM and I ponder on all the packing and crap I have to get done before we move, for about 15 minutes, and then I wake up in the daylight and methodically go throughout my day. Today, because I don’t work, I have packed multiple boxes (thank you for the  boxes, Michaelle!) and paced my home, mentally making lists . . . which will work into written lists . . . which will then be misplaced and/or thrown away and then I’ll have to make another, more compiled list, then I will ignore it, it will also get forgotten . . . then Justin will get involved and have it all done (with my help, of course) in two days. The man is a think-on-his-feet packer extraordinaire! I have moved exactly 3 times with this man and I’m always impressed with his ability to pack and clean and paint the home we’re leaving. Yes, he fills holes and paints. We have always gotten our deposit back.

God is absolutely blowing me out of the water with HIS blessings . . . things are pulling together in a way that only God can do and coordinate . . . there is no doubt who gets the glory on this one! He has something for us down there and I’m excited to be serving HIM and walking with Him! Justin had a job interview for a very coveted position and it went very very well . . . we’ll hear back next Friday, so pray for us if you think of us!  I have been applying to RRISD and RHS and I’m hoping to hear back soon on those. God’s timing on it. I’m set up for Austin Community College . . . I’ll finalize enrollment and stuff when I get down there NEXT MONTH! :O

If I’ve learned anything in this life, its that we don’t deserve what we get . . . humble yourself to God, trust HIM and HE will see you through . . . in the valleys of life is where we grow up as we walk and trust HIM.

Philippians 4:7 MSG

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

. . . well said, Holy Bible!

🙂

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Spontaneity

I don’t buy CD’s . . . as in music. I can count on one hand how many times I laid down dough for a music CD. Itunes is stocked, thanks to Justin . . . but it’s his music, swayed slightly to his style and stance in the world.

As I get older, I see my personality reflected more and more in music, art, decor, scents, clothes and in my surroundings. My style, if you want to call it that, is emerging stronger, after so many years of feeling like nothing . . . meshed into a blankness of space that I wandered aimlessly in for years. The only one anchoring me was my God, my Savior. He is my steadfastness . . . my center.

I’ve purchased two CD’s in the last month. Adele, one very popular artist, but I love her soulful voice and quirky music . . . she plays regularly in truck. Talk about great road trip fare!

The other I purchased today . . . Sara Bareilles  is a new obsession of sorts.

They say your tastes, in regards to tastebuds and eating, change every seven years . . . I’ve always wondered if your general tastes in life change as well. Mine seem to shift regularly.

I’m starting a small love affair with the peasant skirt as well.

and romantic shirts and dresses . . . sometimes I wish I had a couple thousand bucks to blow on a completely new wardrobe. 🙂

Just some random thoughts for this beautiful sunny day . . . now I think I’ll go putt around in my garden for a bit.

Have a blessed weekend!

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Burning in my Soul

Calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?

Mark 8:34-37 (The Message Bible)

In a society of “me time” and “self-help” . . . taking care of #1 (yourself). It is quite the contradictory word above.

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Lies

One of the biggest things I struggle with, in my walk with God, is feelings of worthlessness. So many faults, so little patience and grace with myself . . . surely God gets just as fed up as I do with my many hang-ups and shortcomings. At some point I just expect him to write me off. How does a perfectly holy God deal with my spineless junk?

This is weird, really, because I’ve never had anyone close  to me decide I wasn’t worth it and just write me off . . . send me packing. Later Gator. My parents have always been supportive and loving, my husband is amazingly loving and supportive; always shoving in my face how I’m short-changing myself consistently. If anything, Justin sees more potential than shortcomings.

This past year, it really ate at me. I let go of my personal time with God because it was littered so heavily with this gnawing thought pattern of worthlessness . . . and it’s slowly gone down hill since. I was tired of attempting to be perfect, to earn my badge of spirituality and righteousness through my own ability. There was a side of me that, I think, believed I had earned what little spirituality I had erected around me . . . if that makes sense. A type of entitlement to the relationship I did have with God. Well, that required an amazing amount of upkeep. And an amazing amount of scrutinizing those around me for not doing the same.

T.I.R.I.N.G.

Even now I want to take credit in learning these lessons . . . but in reality it is all by THE GRACE OF GOD. All of it. No way can we open our own spiritual eyes to Him and His truth . . .He does it. We make ourselves willing . . . we face Him and walk towards Him perhaps, but He does the rest. Even the facing Him part . . . He prompts that, His blood created a way. If He hadn’t died on that cross and rose from that grave, we couldn’t even glance at Him without dying of shame.

Instead, we get to see the shame . . . it’s backside as it’s hurled as far as the east is from the west . . . repenting before Him.

I asked God to take that nasty deep dark lie of worthlessness and hurl it. Where it came from I don’t know AND I don’t give donkey’s back-end. I just know I can’t worship Him in truth or talk to Him freely with it yapping and taking up space between God and I.

A weight has been lifted. A sigh of relief has been exhaled. Tears have washed my eyes.

I feel hopeful for the first time in over a year. Hopeful that I am worth it. But more importantly . . . God is worth it. Worth pushing through. Worth the effort.

The one thing I can say. There is nothing in this world or the next, that satisfies, that finds those deep down connecting fibers and replenishes fully, like our God. Peace, Hope and Love . . . the three most important aspects written about in the New Testament. Love being the upmost important.

So if you’re struggling with worthlessness . . . you see ALL your shortcomings, instead of the sheer grace and mercy of our God. Stop there, ask God to take that shame and then praise Him for the sacrifice He has already made . . . praise Him for the freedom given and then keep thanking Him, keep praising Him, keep learning about Him . . . walking with Him daily. There you will find that highly sought after peace, hope and love.

And remember, there is no condemnation, but conviction. God wants to be close to you, wants what’s best for you . . . keep that in mind in the gentle convictions of His spirit. Overwhelming shame and condemnation is not how I’ve found He works . . . seek Him, know Him, worship Him and listen to that still small voice. You will be better for it!

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Me Birthday!

I’m turning . . .

today.

I  thought I could look up and find cool stuff about the number 34.

Yeah . . . didn’t really have much luck with that . . .

Properties of the number 34


Symbolism

  • Symbolize the power of realization of the man.
  • Represent the evolution which results from the cosmic organization and the natural law, according to R. Allendy.
  • Symbolize the axis of the world.

I don’t have any profound words to impart. I am truly blessed with my amazing husband and beautiful boys! I have no doubt about that. But on the flip side I wish I wouldn’t of wasted so much time . . . a mild mid-life crisis; I’m wanting to do something new, something different. Not drastic, just new. I almost feel depressed about life right now, not sure why. Hoping school in the fall will give me a bit of an outlet . . . though I know most of the frustration I’m feeling is just learning to trust God and cultivating patience to see what is to come, what is next. Pray, not worry . . . trying more and more to leave it with God; in that I find true peace!

That’s about as profound as it’s gonna get. I’m looking at a house that needs a good cleaning.  The babysitter is coming at 5pm and Justin and I will be going out! Oh yeah! We’re gonna eat at Sinju and then hang around Bridgeport Village. I know, we’re wild, hold onto your eyebrows! 🙂 

Here’s to a new year, new adventures! I’m excited to see what’s to come! 

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Stories

How crazy are dreams? I’ve kept from dreaming anything past what I’m going to accomplish for a particular day, for too long now. I’ve let go of a lot of what I used to dream about.

I’d like to start dreaming again . . . infusing vision into my life; surely that’s better than drowning in the blankness I’m finding myself in more and more.

I start school in the fall. Part time. My dream, my hope, for that endeavor is writing . . . whether or not that includes a degree is yet to be seen, but I could definitely improve!

I want to get back into running seriously . . . I slacked after hurting my knee a few years ago and kinda gave up.

Those are the two dreams that come to mind. Small but achievable!

Most of all, I want God to be the center of it all . . . the center of my story!

Have you stopped dreaming?

What are some of your dreams . . . no matter how small or big?

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School

I have been contemplating going back to school. I’m not hard core, find a career and run with it, type personality. In fact, I love to write most of all. I also love photography. So, I lean towards those studies. But I also want to be realistic . . . I’ve worked for a police station before, Criminal Justice has been another thought.

Justin and I talked extensively last night.

I want to take this moment to say: I married a very wise and intuitive man. He doesn’t bark out his opinion very often, especially with something he knows I’m attempting to make my mind up about. He’s quiet about it. Justin also loves God and derives quite a bit of wisdom from that source alone.

That said, we talked extensively last night and I am going back in the fall. But for what I love to do; writing and photography. No loans, just grants and out of pocket, so there is no pressure for me to find a job and pay off loans that I’ve accrued directly after graduating.

Something inside me settled after we talked and I am starting to get excited about going! I love taking classes and learning . . . it feels almost overdue, but actually it’s in good timing. God’s timing.

Tomorrow I go take my placement tests, figure out just how much I’ve retained from school, 12 years ago (college that I never finished). I’m kinda nervous but it’s a good thing. 🙂

Here’s to a new chapter in life . . .

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Sprung

These were my favorite variety of Tulip at the Tulip Festival this year. I’m sure I’ll have a new favorite next year. 🙂

Kelli and Braxton met us up in Woodburn, Oregon to enjoy the festivities of the Tulip. It was quite enjoyable. And warm. And busy . . . Saturday of Easter weekend. Excellent timing.

The sun was out! It was a miracle!

Justin with Sam, Tob and Braxton. Heading out to check out the acres and acres of Tulips.

I didn’t get any posed photos with my lovely sister or hubby. But we did enjoy ourselves and ate too much and ran around and I even bought a cute purse, bag thingy from a vendor there.

Thats not the bag. Thats a Tulip. 🙂

The bumpy slide. Didn’t look fun to me, but the boys loved it.

The bag . . . 🙂 Nothing fancy but I lover it.

Good times!

Hope everyone had a fantastic Easter!! Thankful for God’s forgiveness in the sacrifice made for my life and everyone else’s life!!

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Creation

Tobias is stuck on God and how he created stuff.

“Mom, how did God make fish?”

“Mom, how did God make water?,” that was the one today.

Yesterday, “Mom, how did God make MegaMind?”

“Mom, how did God make the store?”

In depth, but not.  I simply answer, “God did not make MegaMind, but God made the people that made MegaMind.”

Blank stare.

“God just said,’ let there be water,’ and there was water . . . it was instant.”

Simple.

🙂

hehe

Sure.

Then why the blank stare?

I love that they’re putting it together in their minds, truly . . . but I, at times, have to really think about my answers.

Good times at church today.  Our middle school classroom aides are “in training” during the service . . . so we have been without them for 3 weeks.  Oh, we miss you, Sam and Jayden, Grant and Aaron!  There are two teachers, myself and Tara, in the 4 and 5 year olds class during second service . . . we had 24 kids today.  24!

Um, we miss you, middle school aide people!

It was hectic but we survived. 🙂

Our middle school aide people will be back next week and I am so HAPPY about that!

Something I have witnessed in the land of small children, when there is snack served, dipping it . . . no matter what it is . . . in our water, makes it better.  Better, I tell you! I saw the same dipping phenomenon when I volunteered in Tob’s preschool last year.  Goldfish dipped in milk just sounds gross to me, but hey, its ok cuz your 4. Weirdly my kids don’t do this at home but saw them happily participating in class. Huh.

Had a pretty boring weekend. Hubby worked but has the next two days off . . . looking forward to family time tomorrow, since the boys are off due to President’s Day . . . a day I would have forgotten about if it weren’t for the boys having it off.  But, um, its a good one.  Yay, Presidents!

We spent an insane amount of time at Oil Can Henry’s on Friday.  Oil change the rig usually is a, what 30 minute process, unless there are cars in front of you . . . which is still not too bad at 40 minutes or so.  I think we read the entire Statesman Journal while waiting for the guy in front of us to get done.  Of course, it was the Statesman Journal (Salem’s main paper) on Friday; there weren’t even a whole lot of ads to stare at.  But I did learn about how to plant potatoes in bags, so they are easy to harvest.  Hmmm. Much more interesting at the time. So we finally get our oil done and then decide to flush the tranny.  The guy said it would be quick . . . it was not.

I should mention the boys were whining the whole time.  We pulled in around 4pm.  That is creeping close to their dinner time.  They reminded us every 5 minutes that they were hungry, thirsty and dieing of said ailments. Oh my goodness . . .

They even served me a cup of coffee while Justin visited with the Oil Can Henry guys, guys that we were on first name basis with by the time we left.  “See ya later, Jesse, thanks for the coffee!”

Too bad I had to pee so bad the ENTIRE time we were there . . . coffee was appreciated because it is my lifeblood, but it also adds to the pee-mania.  I just kept thinking we were almost done, surely we are almost done . . . maybe I should ask for a bathroom, but we’re almost done . . . he said it would be quick.

But the rig is now nice and shiny, inside and out . . . well, its due for a bath . . . but its shiny inside, all lubed up and healthy.  Something about knowing your vehicle is good to go, just a relief.  Maybe its all the ancient clunkers I’ve driven in the past . . . just never really knowing when they might poop out.  Feel truly blessed to have a nice truck thats near perfect, IMO. =0)

I’m really all done rambling.

Hoping everyone has a fantastic week ahead!  I’m looking forward to mine . . . Justin’s short week. hehe

 

 

 

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