Thanks To Be Giving

I look back over the past year and it melds easily into the year prior.  I look at photos of Samuel when we first moved here to Salem, in 2007.  He was a baby, bald and beautiful and quickly learning how to walk and take over my heart.

I see the faithfulness of my God in our lives.  His protection, His grace, His love and abiding mercy blow me away . . . even when I prove so unfaithful, He still loves me . . . still accepts me back with loving arms.

Sometimes I lose focus of the good and zero in on the negative.  I find myself pitying my position and lack of moola that the school regime has left us in until Justin is done.  But, in reality, we are on the best ride ever!  My husband is not stuck in a wood mill . . . but is persueing, oh so diligently, a better future for himself and our family.

My boys are growing robust and inquisitive . . . full of life and questions.  I don’t dare take credit for their well-being . . . that thanks goes to God and His amazing grace.

So, here I am, standing on the brink of another Thanksgiving holiday and I’m in tears with gratitude to God and the graciousness of family and friends that has, and is, seeing us through this era of our lives.  I, everyday, learn to be more generous . . . more forgiving . . . more willing to give the benefit of the doubt; slower to judge.  And that is due to the example thats I’ve witnessed towards us.

Thank you, God!

Thankful to family and friends . . . you know who you are!

God bless your holiday and weekend spent with family and friends!!

Talk the Talk

I grew up in a pastor’s home, immersed in the church culture.  I saw the good and I saw ugly religion and the bad, ungodly stuff, it created.

I was looking for a verse to sum up the Easter weekend . . . that aligned with my feelings regarding . . . and came across this.

Anyone who sets himself up as “religious” by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world. -James 1:26

That is out of The Message Bible, one I lover a lot.

How convicting is that?

Well, I found it convicting anyway.  Its one of those verses that hides away . . . though it comes out in other areas of the Bible, just not worded quite like that.

And this gem makes me second-guess my very relationship with God, but in a good way.  Why don’t I immitate HIM more . . . so independent and self-serving, I am.

If someone claims, “I know him well!” but doesn’t keep his commandments, he’s obviously a liar. His life doesn’t match his words. But the one who keeps God’s word is the person in whom we see God’s mature love. This is the only way to be sure we’re in God. Anyone who claims to be intimate with God ought to live the same kind of life Jesus lived. -1 John 2:4

I was just looking for a smushy verse regarding love and all that God has done for us in dying and rising from the dead, and now I might need to go repent of my selfishness and figure out where my passion has gone for HIM.

And through that, will overflow . . . most of the time without my knowing . . . to all that need encouragement, love and a picture of Jesus.

I love the fruits of the spirit . . . I love that they are routinely called “fruits of the spirit”.  Cuz they can’t truly grow without the Spirit of God.  You can mimmick them but it’ll just be conterfeit without God’s involvement.

You become like the people you hang out with . . . something my mother told me a lot as I was growing up.  So, I choose to hang out with God . . . which, truthfully I haven’t done enough of lately . . . and I will start to reflect HIM . . . whats important to God, will become important to me.

Why do  I confess on this blog?  hee hee

But through it all . . . I don’t want to be a bag of hot air.  I want to genuinely know and, therefor, reflect my Savior.

Happy Easter!

His living, dying and rising from the dead has bridged the chasm between God and ourselves . . . thankful just seems so inadequate in the face of that sacrifice and love.

But thankful, I am!

God Bless!

Ain’t No Pansy

I’m sure I’m not the only one, but sometimes . . . ok, a lot of times, I underestimate the power of the God we serve.  Love, grace, mercy, kindness . . . all of that is not mushy.  Behind the soft exterior of those qualities . . . true Godly qualities, lies strength, power and  . . . well, our GOD.

I was reading Ezekiel last night.  Strange book, kind of reminds me of Revelations . . . which I find really hard to read and digest . . . trying to apply it to my everyday.  Maybe we’re not suppose to try to squeeze everything in the Bible into our little spheres . . . doesn’t really work anyway.

ANYWAY . . . The first chapter goes into how God appeared to Ezekiel in a vision.  Its really beautiful, strange and beautiful.  But the overall feeling of it was power.  And it struck how I underestimate my God every day.  I clomp through my day with very little thought to the magnitude of WHO we serve, love and give ourselves to.

The end verse that I read said this:

²⁸ Like the appearance of a rainbow in a cloud on a rainy day, so was the appearance of the brightness all around it. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD.

You should go read the whole first chapter, its fascinating, with the creatures and the wings and the eyes.  I should look up and study more of it and find out what some of the scholars/theologians have deemed it means.   But being an ignoramous, it just struck as beauty and power.  Amazing how such a powerful and wise God . . . Omnipotent (omnipresent?) . . . is that the word I’m looking for? . . . sees us in our smallness.  Smallness of existance but also smallness of mind.

I feel challenged to grasp more of who our God is . . . He’s not the tiny, forgive-my-sins-and-live-the-way-I-want-God . . . He’s more, so much more!! And, for what my puny self is worth . . . I give to HIM! 

Hey . . . be encouraged that we aren’t the beginning and the end of all things . . . God is and I love that.  That I’m a piece to the puzzle and not the puzzle.

God Bless your week’s end!

Two of My Favorite Guys

My dad has been there for me, loved me and helped to nurture dreams and my faith . . . he pretty much wins the dad-of-the-year award from the likes of me.

Justin loves me unconditionally.  I have tested this unconditional bit pretty good (or bad) and he comes back, always, with acceptance. We, as they say, are meant for each other . . . and deserve each other. Small joke.

All joking aside . . . there was something pretty cool about seeing my dad and Justin hang out this past two weeks in Vegas-land.  They carried on easy conversations and Justin helped with my dad’s to-do list . . . mostly yard work . . . my dad got him into his gym while we were there; going several times together . . . amongst other stuff.

And, of course, we went hiking . . . ok, Justin only went once.  But it was a great experience.

My dad makes Justin look really short.    Not that J is tall . . . but my dad is 6′4″.

Thats all . . . thats what was going through my pea-brain as I downloaded some more of my Vegas photographs and thought I’d share the thoughts of Mother Tucker with your thoughtful selves.

God bless!

ps, this is one of my favorite photos . . . not for the color, clarity or any of the technical reasons . . . it just speaks something of family and generations, to my soul.

My House is Quiet

Boys are sleeping.  Justin is off running errands and cleaning the car out . . . boy has a hard time sitting still.  Ah well, I do enough of it for both of us. 

I’m really not suppose to be on here.  There is a load of stuff to do prior to our trip to Vegas and Christmas day spent at my sister’s house but here I am. 

I will admit to you that I enjoy going over previous posts . . . ok, in my own blog.  I’m a dork like that.  It encourages me, a lot, to see where I’ve been, even last week, and how God has come through for us time and again.

I ran across this post and thought I’d put it in the forefront.  I have to constantly remind myself of this.  And, I’d like to add that I really don’t derive a bunch of great stuff from hard times of perseverance if I’m not rooting myself in the Word and praying through it. Grace, true grace from our God has to reign in order for hope to come of all this that we face in the world.  And, I’d like to say that none of my experiences, nothing I write in this pathetic little blog of Mother Tucker thoughts is new, is unique or inclusive to me.  I know people face similar difficulties and hard times . . . if not much more difficult and hard than my own.  I hope that, if anything this blog can point to Jesus as the hope producer . . . through the trials, HE is our provision. 

I love Jesus!!!  . . . with all that I am.  I don’t mind if I’m considered a simpleton due to this fact of my life.  He is all that I know for certain in his world.

God Bless!

Gotta Keep Lovin’

Some things people do hurt.  They just do.  They were meant to hurt and do and therefor you have options with that particular circumstance . . . forgive or keep that little offense, like a seedling, buried . . . water that thing a bit, fertilize while you’re at . . . all the negative thoughts, loathing and refusing to let God till the soil of your heart . . .

. . . And then BOOM!  that thing is the biggest, stinking prickliest thistle weed that you ever did see . . . poking and diluting all the other aspects of your life . . . its roots choke out good things God has done and steals your very purpose of life . . .

The thing that has just popped into my view finder today is an offense I’ve fostered . . . its not a quick growing, nor is as definable as the above.  One offense and you deal or don’t deal.  You know exactly where it started and you can trace that root back to the beginning.

I can still trace the root back but this is something thats gone on for a year or so and its all these minor offenses and I think I’ve let them go, until it happens again and the way I react shows me that there is no way under heaven I had dealt with that fully.

I blamed this person for not holding up her end of the bargain . . . no worries, no one that reads this goofy blog . . . and all along I had let my end drop . . . and, on top of that I kept score of who was dropping what and why and analyzing and judging every move this person made.  I took so much personally and literally that was, either not meant that way at all, or shouldn’t of even been on my radar, if my eyes were where they were suppose to be . . . on Jesus and what HE’s given me to do . . . which, to clarify, is not to judge others.

For goodness sakes . . . I could take the rest of my life and log every sin and stuff God has forgiven me for . . . I don’t think I want to though.  Lets just say that I’ve witnessed and have been the recipient of undeserved grace . . . and my only commission, within that, is to give it right back out . . . grace, people, have grace and mercy on the person and people in your life. One day you will need their understanding and faithfulness. And, the cherry on top, we gain more forgiveness and mercy from the ONE it matters most from, Jesus!

So big and small . . . let us let go of the offenses today . . . seek God in understanding and letting go of our rights and grasping HIS mercy, love and forgiveness . . . in all, remember what God has done for us, forgiven us, lets give that right back out, eh!

Alright end of preaching  . . .

God Bless!

Washing of the Word

I’m a simpleton. But even I recognize the difference in me, my family and, basically, my world view when I regularly read and take in the Word of God (i.e. THE BIBLE). It is truly a living and breathing entity in which God morphs and changes our warped and damaged earthly views into views that resemble HIS . . . more and more as we seek HIM.

Being the flesh and blood person that I am I tend to be easily distracted by emotions mainly and then stuff that just feels comfortable . . . instead of daily striving and reaching for something, anything, more of the ONE I love so dearly. I have days where I do fantastic (in my own eyes) and then days that I go the whole day without looking to HIM . . . laying down those nights and just feeling a conviction to not live without HIM as the forefront.

There’s also a place, spiritually, that I get to and just think ‘hey, thats great . . . I feel the presence of God, I know and recognize HIM as the giver of all the good in my life . . . and the instructor to learn from all the negative . . . yay God!’ Then walk away from that, grateful, but always choosing to not go past the point where I’ve been before. And I know, deep down, I am being called into places in God that I’ve never been before . . . deeper and closer to the heart of God. This excites me, humbles me . . . but also scares the living daylights of me. Because I know in my knower that this, if I so choose to start walking even closer (since I’m basically at arms length), is to choose a deeper commitment. I’ve been tempered with time . . . I’m not a babe in God . . . I know thats it not “free”, in the sense that I give nothing and HE gives everything. I have to make conscious choices to relinquish my all . . . no comfort zones can become more important than my God . . . the Lover of my Soul.

BUT, I also know, from experience, that if I so choose to do what HE is beckoning me into . . . HIS grace will be sufficient, so long as I tap into it.

Am I willing to let go of my rights? Am I willing to let go of this need to control everything . . . not trusting the ONE who gave me all of this? Am I willing not to fit certain molds and expectations? Who’s opinion is higher on my priority list . . . my neighbor, my husband, my family . . . or my GOD?

If you didn’t notice I’m dealing with some pretty petty but important convictions . . . several of these have haunted me the last month or so.

After I fought with my husband . . . purely out of my selfishness and hard-headedness . . . I realized “Ah, ok God, you’re not done . . . I haven’t arrived at some imaginary destination, spiritually speaking.” Some of the dark angry words that came out of my being shocked even me . . . and it was my mouth . . . I believe wholeheartedly that what you speak reveals what is dwelling in your heart . . . and I took on the responsibility of that event, as well as the anger that had boiled over the kids the few days leading up to. Not CSD warranted stuff, just harsh for my heart and integrity.

I need HIS grace in my minute to minute existance . . . its like an oil that is applied to machine parts (like timepiece gears), allowing them to function without the friction causing damage . . . aiding in keeping the heat from that friction down as well.

I am not made to work properly without HIM!

I hope I don’t cross boundaries on this blog by sharing this stuff. I absolutely love my God! HE has delivered me from things I had come to the conclusion I was to deal with the rest of my life . . . gone in an instant with HIS power. I am constantly “under construction” in HIM. There is no one so faithful as HE!

God Bless!!

In Action

I don’t mention the going-ons at the fire station on here cuz I have no idea how things run . . . well, an idea, cuz Justin talks . . . but no first hand knowledge of his shift life.

Justin was a first year . . . meaning, well, it was his first year in the program. The bottom of the totem pole, as one might put it. Not me, just someone. He did what his superiors . . . which happened to be second years . . . meaning . . . ok, you know what I mean. Anyway, no real time to socialize or cater to his family showing up, even if it was planned . . .

So I stayed away . . . at home, mostly. But now he is a captain, and a second year, he has been inviting me pretty consistently. My first event was the graduation of the year above him . . . this is where I met most of his daily and weekly contacts and officers (paid staff with Marion County, etc) some of these were his bosses, since he (Justin) works at the Regional Training Center.

Then we joined him at the Relay For Life event that his shift was obligated to participate in (sort of, easiest way to explain it). I met more of his shift folks and another captain . . . though he was the year that graduated, so he’s off to start working in the real world.

Justin called this afternoon and asked if we could come to the fire station for dinner. We did and it was a super relaxed atmosphere cuz school is out for the summer . . . the first years, coming into the program, don’t start until next week and there were only a handful of people there.

Tobias got to sit and play inside the fire trucks . . . and hang out with dad, a lot! Until he was called out, but it was a short call and he was back within 20 minutes.

I can’t explain the pride I felt for my husband . . . standing there in his spiffy uniform . . . known as his ‘blues’ . . . getting a real feel for how well he managed himself and his position. I’ve had many of the folks he works with go on about how great he is and how they feel he will go far in the industry, etc. But to watch him myself . . . the ease with his co-workers and co-students . . . etc . . . just a proud wife, I am. . . a gushing one at that!

I know, ultimately, God has given him favor within the program and blessed this venture . . . our stepping out into the unknown on HIS unction. Knowing our lives could not go on with Justin breaking his back on 2-3 manual labor jobs, with very little break . . . barely making ends meet, sometimes not meeting the ends at all.

I thank God through all this . . . HE’s faithful, even when I freak out at the sight of the pending bills written down, I have a selfish tantrum cuz I can’t afford new stuff right now, or I get frustrated because I am home so much with toddlers (as cute and as in love with them as I am, still can be crazy frustrating) . . . no matter my attitude, HE is faithful. Doesn’t mean I stop trying to change, but the very act of mercy and kindness should lead me to repentance, lead me into a closer relationship with God, etc. The revelation of HIS love and faithfulness is overwhelming!

I have missed Justin so much this week as he works overtime during his one week break to make bills this month . . . but I thank God for such a man, at the same time. His boys will be better for their Momma being home and I can live without hair dye for now.

God Bless!

*update* Justin hates the pic I used on the top of this post.  It was taken during recruit weekend . . . his first weekend involved with the program last summer . . . I need to get pics of him in his blues and/or in his turnouts . . .

Sappy

I don’t watch sappy movies . . . for that very reason . . . they’re sappy.

Not being much of a movie buff . . . at all, for that matter, I don’t really have a preference.  I watch what Justin rents, buys or borrows.  He is the movie connoisseur of this here relationship.

And, as you could well imagine, “PS, I Love You” is not on the to view list anytime soon.  But our neighbor loaned it to me today . . . along with 2 other “girlie” movies and therefor I watched it.

Justin is on shift, so I watched it alone . . . which is nearly unheard of for the likes of me.  But, with no cable to zone into on nights I just wanna chill, movies are the next best thing.

There’s another reason I don’t do sappy.  I get into movies, especially well done and emotionally charged ones.  I get into well developed characters and plots and tend to cry like a lost child in the woods.  I don’t rightly care for the way I feel after these cry sessions, considering nothing in my life warranted such sadness, and all the other emotions dolled into 2 hours of film viewing.

Action . . . suspense . . . even downright violent films . . . bring’em on!

But keep the frickin’ “PS I Love You” carp away from me.

It was good, too good.  And it played into a relatively big fear of mine and thats losing Justin prematurely . . . so I bawled like a newborn calf and got sucked in majorly.  Which is probably 99.99% of happily married couple’s fears . . . or even mediocre-ly married couple’s fears . . . and death, in general, plays into 100% of people’s fears all over the world.

So, no, I don’t recommend it . . . if you’re asking.  You’ll cry a lot!  And your mind will wonder over all the scenarios encompassed in losing the true love of your life and how it will impact you and the sadness it will bring and the hopelessness that must just want to take over and everything else that the old soul can conger up.

I’m kidding, of course, about the recommendation bit.  The movie was good. I just feel quite drained and I’m ready for bed.

Oh wait . . . its 1am . . . that might be why I’m ready for bed.

I miss Justin.

God Bless!

And this is the look he’d give me if he read this post . . . which he won’t cuz he doesn’t read my goofy, rambling blog . . . But I get this look a lot. I say lots of stuff . . . as you could well imagine . . . if writing here has anything to do with how much I talk, I never shut up. I love that face.  And yes, I’m feeling rather sentimentally mushy right now . . . no worries, it’ll pass.

God

I talk a lot about myself on this here blog . . . I suppose thats what blogs are for.    But I just wanted to refresh that there is a God that is faithful to me beyond comprehension . . . beyond what I can do for HIM . . . beyond my unfaithfulness . . . beyond.

I have a God that loves me beyond this world’s knowledge . . . beyond my mistakes and my sin . . . beyond my humanity and unloveliness . . . beyond.

Jesus lived, showed true humility, love, compassion, relationship (to God and people); He died a bloody death and He rose again . . . His Spirit living in me to be my guide and my helpmate.

As much as I get wrapped into the pettiness of life . . . I, ultimately, know that I serve and worship one whose thoughts are high above mine and that I will see, in person, someday . . . in the not-so-distant future.

But, in the meantime He blesses me, provides for me, loves me, brings truth and grace in equal balance . . . all anchored in the Word of God.

I know He has stuff for me to do . . . but this season in my life has, and is, teaching me just to simply trust and hang out with Him . . . something I’m finding I have a hard time accomplishing.  I would much rather be uber-involved in my home church and be busy beaver doing stuff for Him (like thats necessary)  . . . much easier than sitting still . . . forcing myself off the ‘puter and into the Word, forcing my mind off of what’s for dinner and into worship and prayer.

Jesus is patient with me . . . something I am determined to show people around me.  Patience . . . something that is NOT naturally built into my bull-headed mind . . . but, along with grace, is a major aspect of HIMSELF that HE has showered me with . . . even when I didn’t deserve it . . . like I ever ever ever deserve it.

You know what . . . the post was still about me . . . haa haa. Typical human.

God Bless!

The pic is from our loverly trip to Seattle this past Saturday . . . um, something I don’t really wanna talk about. Ugh . . . see prior post. Anyhoo, it was such a nice evening!! Made the drive . . . well, not worth it, but it definitely eased the grumpies a bit.