Mother Tucker


Bad Attitude?
September 3, 2008, 4:29 am
Filed under: Friends, God, Lessons, grace, love, me, talk | Tags: , , ,

Friends are gifts from God.  I have to remind myself of that because I’m such recluse that a friend that is more aggressive at hanging out and wanting to do stuff together annoys me at times.  I appreciate that I’m liked and needed but, at the same time, annoyed.

Why is this?

Boundaries.

And they were crossed a couple of times this week and instead of talking to this person and hashing it out . . . as I criticize others for not doing . . . I talked to my fam about it and my husband about it and complained and whined, like a know-it-all teenager.

My sister told me to get over myself and go talk to her . . . and I did. (thank God for sisters too :) ) And the things that my heart and mind were trying to convince me were so important weren’t really that big of a deal once spoken out loud

And . . . another thing, my friend is great.  She’s flexible and forgiving and completely understood where I was coming from. Flexible and forgiving are two things I need to work on!

So . . . I thank God for good friends and I repent of my bad attitude regarding such a petty issue!

God Bless!



Washing of the Word
August 10, 2008, 9:34 pm
Filed under: Goals, God, Lessons, family, grace, love, me, talk | Tags: , , , , , ,

I’m a simpleton. But even I recognize the difference in me, my family and, basically, my world view when I regularly read and take in the Word of God (i.e. THE BIBLE). It is truly a living and breathing entity in which God morphs and changes our warped and damaged earthly views into views that resemble HIS . . . more and more as we seek HIM.

Being the flesh and blood person that I am I tend to be easily distracted by emotions mainly and then stuff that just feels comfortable . . . instead of daily striving and reaching for something, anything, more of the ONE I love so dearly. I have days where I do fantastic (in my own eyes) and then days that I go the whole day without looking to HIM . . . laying down those nights and just feeling a conviction to not live without HIM as the forefront.

There’s also a place, spiritually, that I get to and just think ‘hey, thats great . . . I feel the presence of God, I know and recognize HIM as the giver of all the good in my life . . . and the instructor to learn from all the negative . . . yay God!’ Then walk away from that, grateful, but always choosing to not go past the point where I’ve been before. And I know, deep down, I am being called into places in God that I’ve never been before . . . deeper and closer to the heart of God. This excites me, humbles me . . . but also scares the living daylights of me. Because I know in my knower that this, if I so choose to start walking even closer (since I’m basically at arms length), is to choose a deeper commitment. I’ve been tempered with time . . . I’m not a babe in God . . . I know thats it not “free”, in the sense that I give nothing and HE gives everything. I have to make conscious choices to relinquish my all . . . no comfort zones can become more important than my God . . . the Lover of my Soul.

BUT, I also know, from experience, that if I so choose to do what HE is beckoning me into . . . HIS grace will be sufficient, so long as I tap into it.

Am I willing to let go of my rights? Am I willing to let go of this need to control everything . . . not trusting the ONE who gave me all of this? Am I willing not to fit certain molds and expectations? Who’s opinion is higher on my priority list . . . my neighbor, my husband, my family . . . or my GOD?

If you didn’t notice I’m dealing with some pretty petty but important convictions . . . several of these have haunted me the last month or so.

After I fought with my husband . . . purely out of my selfishness and hard-headedness . . . I realized “Ah, ok God, you’re not done . . . I haven’t arrived at some imaginary destination, spiritually speaking.” Some of the dark angry words that came out of my being shocked even me . . . and it was my mouth . . . I believe wholeheartedly that what you speak reveals what is dwelling in your heart . . . and I took on the responsibility of that event, as well as the anger that had boiled over the kids the few days leading up to. Not CSD warranted stuff, just harsh for my heart and integrity.

I need HIS grace in my minute to minute existance . . . its like an oil that is applied to machine parts (like timepiece gears), allowing them to function without the friction causing damage . . . aiding in keeping the heat from that friction down as well.

I am not made to work properly without HIM!

I hope I don’t cross boundaries on this blog by sharing this stuff. I absolutely love my God! HE has delivered me from things I had come to the conclusion I was to deal with the rest of my life . . . gone in an instant with HIS power. I am constantly “under construction” in HIM. There is no one so faithful as HE!

God Bless!!



What, Where and When?
August 4, 2008, 9:21 pm
Filed under: God, Lessons, family, grace, me, summer | Tags: , , , , ,

There are some things I like about moving . . . in my limited experience.  Such as a super clean apt/house, a chance to redecorate, a sense of newness and a throwing away of old/unusable items.

BUT there are some things I’m loathing about moving.  The manual labor, super-cleaning the apt I’m in, the adjusting to new neighbors and the list goes on.

Having exact dates helps though.  You prepare your mind and eat really healthy so you don’t peter out by the end of the day.  Ok, well, at least I prepare my mind . . . no sudden changes in plan . . . my brain tends to explode.

God must be working on this in my life though . . . flexibility is the word. We finally have an apt “finalized”.  The app has been accepted, etc.  And, granted, its not as hard because its the same apt complex. But the dates have changed so many times.

Now I’m being told 1 week from today . . . all the way out to 3 weeks. Hmmm. That doesn’t seem like much of a time difference, but it is when everything is in boxes.  And my mind . . . dear goodness, I hope it doesn’t explode. :)

The grace of God is sufficient and HE knows the right timing.

Trust, its another thing God is working on in me.



Being Content

I found myself this morning in a fit (quite literally) of self-pity and selfishness. I woke to a poopy dog at 4:30 am (I woke to the raunchy smell, cleaned it, and it took well over 30 minutes to air my bedroom out) . . . this is after getting to bed at 12:30am. Justin came in at 5:30am and woke me up and then the boys woke bright and early sometime before 8am. I was sleepy . . . I was tired . . . AAACCKK! . . . there is no coffee! How did this catastrophe happen to one such as me. And didn’t I ask Justin to get me coffee, several times in the last week? Oh, poor me . . . :( boohoo for me.

So I got grouchy. I haven’t seen my husband for more than 5 minutes in the last two weeks whilst his eyes were open and his brain functioning. The boys are being boys . . . toddler aged boys at that . . . financially we’re tight and emotionally drained.

The straw the broke the camel’s back. Or the tiny little bitty undone deed broke the dam for waters of selfish jerkdom to come pouring out of me. I’ve repented and apologized to Justin via email . . . thats always awesome. Not really. But its over and done with and we talked about it . . . via email.

So I’m human, stuff is gonna happen. But I was thinking about how I could keep myself from getting to a point of such frustration that a missing can of Folgers could send me into attack mode. Where along my path of life do I start letting this crud build up in my heart. How can one day I feel like I’ve dealt with life poop quite well and then blow the very next morning.

Bitterness. Its a constant battle of mine to keep my grubby paws out of that mire.

If you have got bitter and sour, you will probably find it is because God brought you a blessing and you clutched it for yourself; whereas if you had poured it out unto the Lord, you would have been the sweetest person out of heaven. If you are craving spiritual sponges, always taking these things to ourselves, we shall become a plague; other people will not get their horizon enlarged through us because we have never learned to pour out anything unto the Lord. - Oswald Chambers from The Place of Help, 1024 R.

Thats it! I grasp, for myself, the things my very God has blessed me with. Instead of looking to HIM, pouring out my heart in worship and gratefulness . . . I get crabby cuz stuff just isn’t panning out that day to my liking. But if my eyes were on HIM, recognizing the blessings in my life and holding those things up as an offering to HIM . . . how much I would steer clear of the mire of bitterness . . . a mire, by the way, that seems to follow me around relentlessly. We are not meant to walk around soaking up all the blessings God has for us and then holding them ransom. We must pour out . . . like the overused analogy of a pond . . . if the water quits flowing in AND out of the pond, it will become stagnant, good for nothing.

I don’t want that. I want God to build me . . . shape me and mold me, continually using me in whatever I find my hands doing. Right now its raising two beautiful boys and growing a household, including my relationship with my husband. I have minimal friends right now and minimal outlets of volunteer-ism. I do enjoy being involved but I must find the purpose God has for the now . . . perhaps a time to just recognize and deal with some roots of bitterness and cynicism that HE’s revealing to me . . . become better in HIM for what HE has for our future.

As a side note . . . worshiping, loving and continuously lifting Jesus up is my main “calling”.  …but there has to be evidence of that in my life.

If you wanna check out a good blog post on bitterness.

God Bless!



Cool Down

The last few days have been much cooler than the few weeks prior. I walked this morning at 10:30am and it was still 65 degrees. Patchy sunshine, but still very cool. I enjoyed it. For one that enjoys the heat . . . mid-eighties to low-nineties is awesome . . . I do have to admit I relished the cool weather break.

I’ve had a bit of an attitude . . . one that was contained to my inner workings, but still present and nagging. I’m fine with not being the center of Justin’s world for a few short days and then, if I’m not reaffirmed and assured that, yes, I am the one and only for him (a tad dramatic) . . . well, my self-pity button gets pushed and I battle it or give into it. More lately, I’ve been battling it and I find that if I’m persistent that it does subside and our relationship is better for it.

And, get this, Justin has been gone for the better part of two weeks catching up with school . . . since, financially, we couldn’t get books until a month into the summer term. Now he has to cram for his online class and make up 4 tests and many many chapters of reading and an essay. On top of that he’s holding down his responsibilities . . . many of them new . . . at the fire house and . . . and, he’s working for Brooke’s Fire Department, pretty much everyday; doing odds and ends for them around the property. I have no idea, to this day, how he does this or where he gets the energy to even move one foot in front of the other at times, much less function on thought processing level after little to no sleep.

So, that, the above paragraph, that is what I’m getting jealous over. Cuz, face it, that’s what I’m battling. I’m jealous of his time and focus, etc. How frickin’ selfish can I possibly get? He does all this with an award-winning attitude.

So, I’m a bit repentant tonight. I’ve been convicted. He’s busy (understatement of the year) bettering our family with a future and I’m grumbling cuz he’s not here to help me pack and deal with discipline issues regarding two small toddlers . . . much less the personal one on one time I so miss with my best bud. Oh my. God help me understand what he’s dealing with . . . not just myself.

I went to my neighbor’s (who is also a good friend) church with her this past Sunday. People’s Church in Salem . . . its an Assemblies of God church . . . if that means anything really. The worship was very good and the word was right on. And then, yesterday, a friendly couple from the church stopped by with a loaf of bread from Great Harvest Bread Company, here in Salem . . . Apple Cinnamon. Oh my goodness gracious, grate balls of chicken crap!!! That has to be the best loaf of bread I have ever eaten in less than 24 hours . . . yes the kiddos helped a little but, mostly, it was my eating. Yeah . . . not something I can purchase every week cuz I would be 500 lbs by December but . . . once a month, maybe? This was accompanied with a nicely put together folder about their church and outreach programs and card thanking me for joining them Sunday. Very thoughtful . . . I didn’t feel like there was pressure to come back, just a thoughtful thank you. :)

It never ceases to amaze me that I take Byron, daily, on a 3 mile, plus, walk/jog . . . let him off leash for a minimum of 20 minutes to run about in a baseball field . . . take him out later in the afternoon while the boys run around the property (sometimes Byron too, though I’m not suppose to let him off leash . . . shhh, don’t tell on me) . . . and he is still playful and high energy when the day starts to draw to a close. These dogs, meaning the Jack Russell extraordinairs should all be on ranches and farms . . . or at least with property of some sort to run amok from the moment they wake until they crash at night. Thats all I have to say about that. And, no, we’re not getting rid of him . . . he’ll just have to deal with walks and baseball fields . . . and the occasional dog park excursion.

I think thats all I can conger up to blab about tonight. God’s grace is so abundantly available through this time in our lives . . . I really have no room or reason to whine.

God Bless!



Ugh!!
July 22, 2008, 8:31 pm
Filed under: God, Lessons, family, grace, me, summer, talk | Tags: , , , , ,

I dislike packing.

I am a bit of a mess pot . . . my own little messes make me feel at home.  I don’t like my house dirty but my familiar crap lying around brings a sense of serenity (something that drives Justin nuts).  I realize this is a little abnormal . . . but super cleanliness is not calming to me, myself and I.  I am a stickler about vacuuming (especially dog hair, yuck!), the kitchen and general dirtiness.  But you know what I mean . . . the scattered notebooks of stuff, mail, notes to self, and books . . . books are my downfall, whether it be the kid’s books or mine . . . the tend to lie around in wait to be read.  Also dvd’s seem to get strewn about, though I’m not sure why.  Shoes lie haphazardly near the front door . . . sometimes I’m motivated and collect them in a laundry basket by the front door (a fashionable way to keep shoes, I tell ya!).  Laundry is another stickler with me . . . I tend to keep up on that better than anything else in my house.

But now all my odds and ends are slowly being boxed and the boxes stacked neatly out of the way.  We have 9 days until the current residence are out of our apartment and less than a week after that until we are allowed to move in . . . for cleaning purposes.

I feel a little lost in the empty spaces and lack of trails through my house.  The missing wall prints and emptied bookshelf do not help matters.  Its disconcerting to me in my busy mind.

But at the same time I realize that this is turning out to possibly be a blessing more than a pain.  The unit that we’re moving to is on the backside of the complex . . . in a quiet little corner and it is surrounded by grass and trees.  Right now, in the unit we’re moving from, we border the office and have visitor parking spots directly in front of our house.  Not to mention its also the central location for kids (mainly pre-teens and teens) to hang out . . . it makes sense, the basketball courts are across the parking lot and the playground is next door to the office.  The realization that it will be much quieter and we can play directly out of our front door is a nice thought.

I’m learning to just trust God with it all!  He just keeps coming through for us in all things!

God Bless!



Loverly Thursday

I thought I’d cry daily without internet to escape into when my days fell quiet in the evenings and my mind just wanted to focus on one thing . . . fizzle out the stresses of the day . . . share on this crazy thing we call a blog, almost daily.  But I didn’t.  I found myself doing somewhat productive things . . . reading more, cleaning more (to Justin’s liking), and doing a bit more soul/spirit searching than I’ve allowed myself in quite some time.

Thats not to say that I didn’t miss writing and connecting with my friends and family . . . since we all know how good I am at picking up a phone and calling . . . but it definitely didn’t altar my life to the magnitude I had convinced myself it would. ;)

We have been going through it, financially, this term (Summer).  Financial aide decided to randomly pull us for audit . . . most likely, we were told, because we pull so much aide . . . so, not so random.  But, because of this we will not receive our aide until the end of the term.  It has hit us hard, considering we, as a family of four, depend on this for bills, school (including tuition and books) and miscellaneous junk, such as diapers and shampoo.  I am, by choice, a stay at home mom and Justin takes, anywhere from 18 credits to 28 credits, depending on what needs to be done when.  Work is not an option, outside work study . . . ope, and thats connected to financial aide.  Awesome, I tell you.

But, its just another bump in the road.  Life, as it is.  God has provided a means to keep going and I know HE’s completely in control.  His eye is on the sparrow . . . how much more is he watching and caring for us?! Also, though, if you think about us, send up a prayer for us, eh.  Thanks. :)

Well, I think I’m going to end now.  Life is full of adventures . . . some of those adventures leave me a bit stress-induced but the history and character it creates is worth it!  Thank you, Jesus, for all character building experiences!

God Bless!



In Action

I don’t mention the going-ons at the fire station on here cuz I have no idea how things run . . . well, an idea, cuz Justin talks . . . but no first hand knowledge of his shift life.

Justin was a first year . . . meaning, well, it was his first year in the program. The bottom of the totem pole, as one might put it. Not me, just someone. He did what his superiors . . . which happened to be second years . . . meaning . . . ok, you know what I mean. :) Anyway, no real time to socialize or cater to his family showing up, even if it was planned . . .

So I stayed away . . . at home, mostly. But now he is a captain, and a second year, he has been inviting me pretty consistently. My first event was the graduation of the year above him . . . this is where I met most of his daily and weekly contacts and officers (paid staff with Marion County, etc) some of these were his bosses, since he (Justin) works at the Regional Training Center.

Then we joined him at the Relay For Life event that his shift was obligated to participate in (sort of, easiest way to explain it). I met more of his shift folks and another captain . . . though he was the year that graduated, so he’s off to start working in the real world.

Justin called this afternoon and asked if we could come to the fire station for dinner. We did and it was a super relaxed atmosphere cuz school is out for the summer . . . the first years, coming into the program, don’t start until next week and there were only a handful of people there.

Tobias got to sit and play inside the fire trucks . . . and hang out with dad, a lot! Until he was called out, but it was a short call and he was back within 20 minutes.

I can’t explain the pride I felt for my husband . . . standing there in his spiffy uniform . . . known as his ‘blues’ . . . getting a real feel for how well he managed himself and his position. I’ve had many of the folks he works with go on about how great he is and how they feel he will go far in the industry, etc. But to watch him myself . . . the ease with his co-workers and co-students . . . etc . . . just a proud wife, I am. . . a gushing one at that! :)

I know, ultimately, God has given him favor within the program and blessed this venture . . . our stepping out into the unknown on HIS unction. Knowing our lives could not go on with Justin breaking his back on 2-3 manual labor jobs, with very little break . . . barely making ends meet, sometimes not meeting the ends at all.

I thank God through all this . . . HE’s faithful, even when I freak out at the sight of the pending bills written down, I have a selfish tantrum cuz I can’t afford new stuff right now, or I get frustrated because I am home so much with toddlers (as cute and as in love with them as I am, still can be crazy frustrating) . . . no matter my attitude, HE is faithful. Doesn’t mean I stop trying to change, but the very act of mercy and kindness should lead me to repentance, lead me into a closer relationship with God, etc. The revelation of HIS love and faithfulness is overwhelming!

I have missed Justin so much this week as he works overtime during his one week break to make bills this month . . . but I thank God for such a man, at the same time. :) His boys will be better for their Momma being home and I can live without hair dye for now. ;)

God Bless!

*update* Justin hates the pic I used on the top of this post.  It was taken during recruit weekend . . . his first weekend involved with the program last summer . . . I need to get pics of him in his blues and/or in his turnouts . . .



social delinquent

After nap we loaded up and drove to Chemeketa’s track for the Relay for Life. Justin was on shift and his shift was obligated to participate . . . they wore their uniforms . . . turnout pants, suspenders over blue shirts and their turnout boots . . . this has to be one of the hottest uniforms that is known to womankind. Justin is muscular but, for some reason, he is purely strapping in suspenders and turnout pants (turnouts are the suit of choice for fighting actual fires).

So, after sucking in the drool that escaped my bottom lip whilst closing my slack jaw . . . Justin introduced me to the people standing around him . . . another fine specimen in his uniform and some ladies from the office.

Something I’ve had to get used to with Justin is that he is not very accommodating in social situations. When he invites me (since we’ve met) somewhere where he is obviously the one that knows everyone . . . I expect to “hang with him” for the first 30 minutes or so . . . until I get my barrings and meet most of the people he associates with. Thats what I would expect someone to do if I invited them somewhere where they knew no one and I knew everyone.

Sometimes, depending, Justin even forgets to formerly introduce me . . . can we say awkward. If I were more socially aggressive or a social butterfly . . . perhaps I could remedy the situation on my own . . . most times I at least get my name out there and learn their name. And I love to shake hands . . . I love an introduction to be concluded with a handshake, a smile and a friendly gesture of ‘glad you’re here’ sort of thing . . . and thats good in the land of the fire fighters cuz they like to shake hands.

But after introducing me quickly to the shift captain (his last shift before J takes over) he describes where their tent is and then announces he has to walk. See ya later, alligator.

Thats just Justin. I think it is because he is so comfortable and confident within himself that he doesn’t have a thought that believes otherwise of me.

Apparently I’m not as confident . . . not until there is some repor (sp) with some of the people present.

“Ah, just introduce yourself to Smith and let’em know you’re my wife . . . he won’t care if you hang out under the tent . . . or whatever you wanna do . . . see ya in a bit.” Thats the words. Not rude. Not by any means.

People . . .I just wrote a blog . . . maybe a week ago . . . about how confident I felt and after spending the day with J’s colleagues how well I did . . . etc.

Ah, today wasn’t bad and the sun felt great. I chased some really cute boys around and bought them juice and m&m’s and then dealt with their overtired tantrums all evening . . . once we arrived home. And I realized that I really need to get down to business with this last 20 lbs . . . what gives? Thats all I got left and I procrastinate . . . after losing 60 lbs in less than a year . . . 20!! 20 lbs . . . thats it! I gotta get it off. I wanna wear shorts and cute tshirts.

All is vanity

Oh yeah . . . and I wanna be healthier. And stuff

Alright. I might not of landed any new best friends today but I refuse to beat myself up for being something I’m not. It takes a long time for me to make friends . . . must be patient with myself. :)

I think I burned . . . it’ll turn into a tan . . . nearly always does. Though that stuff seems less important to me as I get older. I still like a good tan . . . maybe I need to invest in sunless tanner . . . not really into skin cancer all that much.

I think the eyes of my heart need to be adjusted back on the One who’s opinion matters . . . and thats God’s.  I cannot control what people think or perceive about me . . . especially as a first impression.  Come on . . . I can’t even count how many times I’ve been wrong about someone by the first impression  . . . time tells all.



Another Day

I always pop in here after the boys are asleep . . . whether it be in the middle of the day at nap, or at night . . . they’re asleep and I’ve gotten the things done around the house and stuff to the point I feel comfortable leaving it to wait . . . another day.

Sometimes my house has to be spic and span clean . . .  everything in its place before I can relax . . . unwind, which takes place zoning into this thing and reading my Bible.

Sometimes I put away perishables (most of the time) and clear the floor just enough to keep me from tripping and killing myself pre-coffee the next morning. Like a snow plow on the highways . . . snow is still there . . . but its not threatening your life . . . just mounded along your trail from your bed to the coffee maker.

And, yes, I can still unwind when the house is a mess.  And, yes, I can still go to sleep knowing that all the dishes weren’t cleaned and will be waiting slime-ensued the next morning.

But I love to wake up to a clean house.  So I’ve spent the evening cleaning up what I didn’t get to throughout the day.  Which wasn’t much cuz I had my nephew visiting today.

I’ve decided I really do like my new arrangement of the living room . . . I really do! My couch faced away from the window before and now I get window view from my couch . . .that now faces the window.  Not that I have much of a view . . . but we have some nice landscaping here . . . lots of trees.  I try to ignore the garbage area across the parking lot . . . and the amount of foot traffic it attracts.

We made cupcakes for no good reason today.  I ate more frosting than I should have . . . way more . . . and the boys had two cupcakes. Not at the same time but it was one too many.  The remainder went next door to tempt them the rest of their cupcake lives.  I’m not big on cake . . . so I’m not tempted by the cupcake themselves . . . just the frosting. :)

My nephew, B, came over for about 5 hours today.  It was good to see my sister, Kelli and B!  The boys always play so well together!  Toby loves him!

So I think I glanced the sun . . . too bad it made its appearance well after 6pm.  We still got out a lot today and played, overcast and all.  We did a short walk, to run an errand, this morning and it was chilly. Weird. My mom keeps bragging about their 90 degree temps down in NV and how they’re living it up in their pool . . .blah blah blah!  Bums!

Justin is already a busy bee.  He’s going to get busier now he’s a second year student.  He already has one - twenty four hour shift a week . . . it rotates.  Starting with summer term he’ll have a 2nd - 24 hour shift at Woodburn.  This is his internship and he’ll get paid for this one.  But its still another full day away from us.  I’ll get used to it . . . I just miss him a lot this week!

He leads a different shift than he was a participant, as a first year.  So he does the shift change this week.  His old shift . . . the last one, is today.  The shift he is captain of, that he is required to be at, starts Friday.

Busy week . . . stressful but worth it.

God’s favor has been all over this from the beginning . . . HIS grace will be sufficient for me! . . . and for our boys.

God Bless and good night!