Gotta Keep Lovin’

Some things people do hurt.  They just do.  They were meant to hurt and do and therefor you have options with that particular circumstance . . . forgive or keep that little offense, like a seedling, buried . . . water that thing a bit, fertilize while you’re at . . . all the negative thoughts, loathing and refusing to let God till the soil of your heart . . .

. . . And then BOOM!  that thing is the biggest, stinking prickliest thistle weed that you ever did see . . . poking and diluting all the other aspects of your life . . . its roots choke out good things God has done and steals your very purpose of life . . .

The thing that has just popped into my view finder today is an offense I’ve fostered . . . its not a quick growing, nor is as definable as the above.  One offense and you deal or don’t deal.  You know exactly where it started and you can trace that root back to the beginning.

I can still trace the root back but this is something thats gone on for a year or so and its all these minor offenses and I think I’ve let them go, until it happens again and the way I react shows me that there is no way under heaven I had dealt with that fully.

I blamed this person for not holding up her end of the bargain . . . no worries, no one that reads this goofy blog . . . and all along I had let my end drop . . . and, on top of that I kept score of who was dropping what and why and analyzing and judging every move this person made.  I took so much personally and literally that was, either not meant that way at all, or shouldn’t of even been on my radar, if my eyes were where they were suppose to be . . . on Jesus and what HE’s given me to do . . . which, to clarify, is not to judge others.

For goodness sakes . . . I could take the rest of my life and log every sin and stuff God has forgiven me for . . . I don’t think I want to though.  Lets just say that I’ve witnessed and have been the recipient of undeserved grace . . . and my only commission, within that, is to give it right back out . . . grace, people, have grace and mercy on the person and people in your life. One day you will need their understanding and faithfulness. And, the cherry on top, we gain more forgiveness and mercy from the ONE it matters most from, Jesus!

So big and small . . . let us let go of the offenses today . . . seek God in understanding and letting go of our rights and grasping HIS mercy, love and forgiveness . . . in all, remember what God has done for us, forgiven us, lets give that right back out, eh!

Alright end of preaching  . . .

God Bless!

Being Content

I found myself this morning in a fit (quite literally) of self-pity and selfishness. I woke to a poopy dog at 4:30 am (I woke to the raunchy smell, cleaned it, and it took well over 30 minutes to air my bedroom out) . . . this is after getting to bed at 12:30am. Justin came in at 5:30am and woke me up and then the boys woke bright and early sometime before 8am. I was sleepy . . . I was tired . . . AAACCKK! . . . there is no coffee! How did this catastrophe happen to one such as me. And didn’t I ask Justin to get me coffee, several times in the last week? Oh, poor me . . . boohoo for me.

So I got grouchy. I haven’t seen my husband for more than 5 minutes in the last two weeks whilst his eyes were open and his brain functioning. The boys are being boys . . . toddler aged boys at that . . . financially we’re tight and emotionally drained.

The straw the broke the camel’s back. Or the tiny little bitty undone deed broke the dam for waters of selfish jerkdom to come pouring out of me. I’ve repented and apologized to Justin via email . . . thats always awesome. Not really. But its over and done with and we talked about it . . . via email.

So I’m human, stuff is gonna happen. But I was thinking about how I could keep myself from getting to a point of such frustration that a missing can of Folgers could send me into attack mode. Where along my path of life do I start letting this crud build up in my heart. How can one day I feel like I’ve dealt with life poop quite well and then blow the very next morning.

Bitterness. Its a constant battle of mine to keep my grubby paws out of that mire.

If you have got bitter and sour, you will probably find it is because God brought you a blessing and you clutched it for yourself; whereas if you had poured it out unto the Lord, you would have been the sweetest person out of heaven. If you are craving spiritual sponges, always taking these things to ourselves, we shall become a plague; other people will not get their horizon enlarged through us because we have never learned to pour out anything unto the Lord. – Oswald Chambers from The Place of Help, 1024 R.

Thats it! I grasp, for myself, the things my very God has blessed me with. Instead of looking to HIM, pouring out my heart in worship and gratefulness . . . I get crabby cuz stuff just isn’t panning out that day to my liking. But if my eyes were on HIM, recognizing the blessings in my life and holding those things up as an offering to HIM . . . how much I would steer clear of the mire of bitterness . . . a mire, by the way, that seems to follow me around relentlessly. We are not meant to walk around soaking up all the blessings God has for us and then holding them ransom. We must pour out . . . like the overused analogy of a pond . . . if the water quits flowing in AND out of the pond, it will become stagnant, good for nothing.

I don’t want that. I want God to build me . . . shape me and mold me, continually using me in whatever I find my hands doing. Right now its raising two beautiful boys and growing a household, including my relationship with my husband. I have minimal friends right now and minimal outlets of volunteer-ism. I do enjoy being involved but I must find the purpose God has for the now . . . perhaps a time to just recognize and deal with some roots of bitterness and cynicism that HE’s revealing to me . . . become better in HIM for what HE has for our future.

As a side note . . . worshiping, loving and continuously lifting Jesus up is my main “calling”.  …but there has to be evidence of that in my life.

If you wanna check out a good blog post on bitterness.

God Bless!

self righteous

I didn’t mean for that last post to sound self righteous.  I have my many faults and do not live up to, even, my own standards most of the time . . . much less that of a faultless God. I am so very grateful for the grace God has chosen to show me in this life and lean completely and utterly on that . . . truth is something I’ve been convicted about gaining more of, through the Word, to balance out my daily walk with Jesus.

Nothing new to really update anyone on.  I do want to give honor to God for the place we call home right now.  A misunderstanding of a letter we received insinuated that we weren’t eligible to live here but it was ironed out quickly and we are no worse for wear.  God just keeps providing and keeps giving us favor where its obviously HIM.

And, again, finances just keep coming through! We are blessed with much more than money, but the finances are a necessity.

So, Justin tested for an officer position this past week; interview, written test, peer and teacher reviews . . . all 36 people left in the program did.  He should hear back next week.  Lieutenant or Captain (I believe) are one of the two he could be placed in . . . several people will be.  This is for the fire program and he will be over the first year students come Summer term.  Just the current update. So school is going good! He’s got a much more laid back term than last term . . . he’s home more frequently and he’s able to get to work study more often.

Samuel started going down the slide, at the playground, by himself.  For the past 3 months or so, he would climb the stairs just fine but then wait at the top for me to come set him on his rump and help him slide.  I kinda got busy talking to someone while they were playing and recognized he was at the top of the slide . . .  apparently I took too long; before I knew he was  squealing with delight as he came to the base of the slide. Tobias was on the slide next to him, so I’m sure he was watching and receiving coaching from his elder brother . . . but since then he has it figured out.  So very cute!! He’ll be 20 months May 12th and that means he nearing the 2 year mark! Crazy how life gets away from me . . .

Tobias, in the past couple of months has picked up singing. Mostly with his favorite movies and cd’s and sometimes to the radio with a random song. He mimics the sound and the words aren’t so clear but that does not keep the laughter at bay from mom and dad . . . or to keep us from joining him.  So far he’s been my hippety hopper (quite the moves that boy has!!) and now my crooner.  His dramatic nature just makes it so fun! I love it when he fake falls to the floor or dramatically fakes it as he runs into the wall and to the floor. I’m not sure where he picked that up but he’s obviously acting it out. And we really really have to keep an eye on what he watches cuz he mimics and acts out the stories and words with his toys, words and hands.

I have 15 pounds to go before I’m where I want to be physically.  Doesn’t seem like much but the last bit is so stubborn and motivation wanes with each passing pound. Thanks to Kacy I’ve revved it up with Billy Blanks’ Taebo videos.  I get so sore and keep saying “darn you, Billy Blanks, darn you,” whilst shaking my fist at the sky.  Justin keeps telling me that thats a really creepy thing to do and to knock it off.  hee hee. You know that just eggs me on. haa haa He’s not amused.

Well, geez . . . there’s an earful for ya . . . or eyeful, whatever.

We are in Harrisburg this fine weekend.  We are to be visiting and spending the night at some dear friends of ours, house.  An overnighter . . . thats a first in a long time, minus my parent’s house.  A bit nervous I am but so at ease when I remember how much we are loved and accepted by these cool people we call friends.

Welp . . . God bless!  I hope all of your weekends are fabulously full of family, friends and good times!!

mmm mmm . . . hotness! My hubby . . . don’t tell him I posted this, it would embarrass him.

Alone

I have allowed myself to become quite angry, at times, over the past two days. The reason?  Not interested in sharing too much about that . . . but I will say that I have known frustration and I was reaquainted yesterday and today with the battle that ensues.  I read a gentleman’s blog today . . . in fact I added him to my blogroll, though I don’t know him personally, something in me was drawn to him . . . his simple but profound insights . . . plainly put for my brain to digest.  Like having a conversation with my grandpa, though I haven’t had a grandpa in my life since I was 15 years old. This is what I would imagine the insights would be like.

Ok, so struggling and stumbling along . . . part of me, the quieter, wiser part of me speaking to me of the high road and leaning into God with the issue . . . allowing my character to be changed . . . instead of worrying and fretting over someone else’s character flaws . . . but my rights and selfish ego were wrapped in what this person had done, etc . . . and it wasn’t the first time it had happened and I still hurt like the first and blah blah blah  . . . but the angry, bitter part of me rages against that quiet voice . . . one that screams about my perceived injustice and makes the petty small things seem like everything at the time . . .

I sat down at the computer, turned my worship cd and stumbled onto Distinct Impressions (the blog) and was immediately sucked in by the simple truths laid out in daily life.  I think I had read 6 or so posts and ran upon this one  http://distinctimpressions.wordpress.com/2008/02/12/type-when-frustrated/

Now, I’m not tech savvy, so you’ll have to copy and paste if you want to read that post.

This stuck out to me;

“But I’m frustrated because the only person I can cause to be different is me. Remember I said that frustration results from the belief that things are unalterable. Maybe that’s not entirely accurate. Maybe frustration arises when the only thing that can change is me — and I don’t want to.”

Ah, it hit home . . . the bullet hit its target.  I felt the hard exterior of my heart crack . . . the hardness caused by bitterness I had seeped all over it, self pity . . . all of it . . . and a glimpse of light slipped in.   How do I become so blind?  This life is not about me and my rights . . . my relationship with God should mean more to me than getting my way.  When I put myself in front of my Saviour . . . that speaks differently than I believe . . . I become unsettled.

My frustration is justifiable . . . there I said it.  But my residing in self-pity, anger, bitterness and judgment . . . not justified. Fine, I’ve been wronged, it hurts . . . I choose, right now, to give it to God and let it go.

Always a work in progress . . . thank you, Jesus, for your unending and faithful grace in my life!

Come Unto Me . . .

Where the sin and the sorrow cease, and the song and the saint commence.  Do I want to get there? I can now.  The questions that matter in life are remarkably few, and they are all answered by the words —”Come unto Me.”  Not —Do this, or don’t do that; but —”Come unto Me.”  If I will come to Jesus my actual life will be brought into accordance with my real desires; I will actually cease from sin, and actually find the song of the Lord begin. 

Have you ever come to Jesus?  Watch the stubbornness of your heart, you will do anything rather than the one simple childlike thing — “Come unto me.” If you want the actual experience of ceasing from sin, you must come to Jesus.

Jesus Christ makes Himself the touchstone.  Watch how He used the word “come.”  At the most unexpected moments there is the whisper of the Lord  — “Come unto Me,” and you are drawn immediately.  Personal contact with Jesus alters everything.  Be stupid enough to come and commit yourself to what He says.  The attitude of coming is that the will resolutely lets go of everything and deliberately commits all to Him.

“. . . And I will give you rest,” i.e., I will stay you.  Not —I will put you to bed and hold your hand and sing you to sleep; but —I will get you out of bed, out of the languor and exhaustion, out of the state of being half dead while you are alive;  I will imbue you with the spirit of life, and you will be stayed by the perfection of vital activity.  We get pathetic and talk about “suffering the will of the Lord”! Where is the majestic vitality and might of the Son of God about that?

“My Utmost For His Highest” Oswald Chambers

Note from me

I am forever trying to make things right with myself before coming unto Jesus . . . forcing my mind, will and emotions into alignment with Him is only done in His presence. And the other lie I routinely buy into is He doesn’t want to be bothered with me . . . He does!  Way more than I’m even aware! So if there is to be any New Year’s Resolutions to be made its to become closer to the lover of my soul!! Everything else will fall into place. Forgive me God for trying to take life on in my own peewee strength! And one other thing, I love the last point the author makes about living in God being full of vitality, not suffering through but taking on each challenge in full knowledge nothing separates us from the love of the Father and in Him all things are possible!! We should have so much courage people take note.