Washing of the Word

I’m a simpleton. But even I recognize the difference in me, my family and, basically, my world view when I regularly read and take in the Word of God (i.e. THE BIBLE). It is truly a living and breathing entity in which God morphs and changes our warped and damaged earthly views into views that resemble HIS . . . more and more as we seek HIM.

Being the flesh and blood person that I am I tend to be easily distracted by emotions mainly and then stuff that just feels comfortable . . . instead of daily striving and reaching for something, anything, more of the ONE I love so dearly. I have days where I do fantastic (in my own eyes) and then days that I go the whole day without looking to HIM . . . laying down those nights and just feeling a conviction to not live without HIM as the forefront.

There’s also a place, spiritually, that I get to and just think ‘hey, thats great . . . I feel the presence of God, I know and recognize HIM as the giver of all the good in my life . . . and the instructor to learn from all the negative . . . yay God!’ Then walk away from that, grateful, but always choosing to not go past the point where I’ve been before. And I know, deep down, I am being called into places in God that I’ve never been before . . . deeper and closer to the heart of God. This excites me, humbles me . . . but also scares the living daylights of me. Because I know in my knower that this, if I so choose to start walking even closer (since I’m basically at arms length), is to choose a deeper commitment. I’ve been tempered with time . . . I’m not a babe in God . . . I know thats it not “free”, in the sense that I give nothing and HE gives everything. I have to make conscious choices to relinquish my all . . . no comfort zones can become more important than my God . . . the Lover of my Soul.

BUT, I also know, from experience, that if I so choose to do what HE is beckoning me into . . . HIS grace will be sufficient, so long as I tap into it.

Am I willing to let go of my rights? Am I willing to let go of this need to control everything . . . not trusting the ONE who gave me all of this? Am I willing not to fit certain molds and expectations? Who’s opinion is higher on my priority list . . . my neighbor, my husband, my family . . . or my GOD?

If you didn’t notice I’m dealing with some pretty petty but important convictions . . . several of these have haunted me the last month or so.

After I fought with my husband . . . purely out of my selfishness and hard-headedness . . . I realized “Ah, ok God, you’re not done . . . I haven’t arrived at some imaginary destination, spiritually speaking.” Some of the dark angry words that came out of my being shocked even me . . . and it was my mouth . . . I believe wholeheartedly that what you speak reveals what is dwelling in your heart . . . and I took on the responsibility of that event, as well as the anger that had boiled over the kids the few days leading up to. Not CSD warranted stuff, just harsh for my heart and integrity.

I need HIS grace in my minute to minute existance . . . its like an oil that is applied to machine parts (like timepiece gears), allowing them to function without the friction causing damage . . . aiding in keeping the heat from that friction down as well.

I am not made to work properly without HIM!

I hope I don’t cross boundaries on this blog by sharing this stuff. I absolutely love my God! HE has delivered me from things I had come to the conclusion I was to deal with the rest of my life . . . gone in an instant with HIS power. I am constantly “under construction” in HIM. There is no one so faithful as HE!

God Bless!!

Ugh!!

I dislike packing.

I am a bit of a mess pot . . . my own little messes make me feel at home.  I don’t like my house dirty but my familiar crap lying around brings a sense of serenity (something that drives Justin nuts).  I realize this is a little abnormal . . . but super cleanliness is not calming to me, myself and I.  I am a stickler about vacuuming (especially dog hair, yuck!), the kitchen and general dirtiness.  But you know what I mean . . . the scattered notebooks of stuff, mail, notes to self, and books . . . books are my downfall, whether it be the kid’s books or mine . . . the tend to lie around in wait to be read.  Also dvd’s seem to get strewn about, though I’m not sure why.  Shoes lie haphazardly near the front door . . . sometimes I’m motivated and collect them in a laundry basket by the front door (a fashionable way to keep shoes, I tell ya!).  Laundry is another stickler with me . . . I tend to keep up on that better than anything else in my house.

But now all my odds and ends are slowly being boxed and the boxes stacked neatly out of the way.  We have 9 days until the current residence are out of our apartment and less than a week after that until we are allowed to move in . . . for cleaning purposes.

I feel a little lost in the empty spaces and lack of trails through my house.  The missing wall prints and emptied bookshelf do not help matters.  Its disconcerting to me in my busy mind.

But at the same time I realize that this is turning out to possibly be a blessing more than a pain.  The unit that we’re moving to is on the backside of the complex . . . in a quiet little corner and it is surrounded by grass and trees.  Right now, in the unit we’re moving from, we border the office and have visitor parking spots directly in front of our house.  Not to mention its also the central location for kids (mainly pre-teens and teens) to hang out . . . it makes sense, the basketball courts are across the parking lot and the playground is next door to the office.  The realization that it will be much quieter and we can play directly out of our front door is a nice thought.

I’m learning to just trust God with it all!  He just keeps coming through for us in all things!

God Bless!

In Action

I don’t mention the going-ons at the fire station on here cuz I have no idea how things run . . . well, an idea, cuz Justin talks . . . but no first hand knowledge of his shift life.

Justin was a first year . . . meaning, well, it was his first year in the program. The bottom of the totem pole, as one might put it. Not me, just someone. He did what his superiors . . . which happened to be second years . . . meaning . . . ok, you know what I mean. Anyway, no real time to socialize or cater to his family showing up, even if it was planned . . .

So I stayed away . . . at home, mostly. But now he is a captain, and a second year, he has been inviting me pretty consistently. My first event was the graduation of the year above him . . . this is where I met most of his daily and weekly contacts and officers (paid staff with Marion County, etc) some of these were his bosses, since he (Justin) works at the Regional Training Center.

Then we joined him at the Relay For Life event that his shift was obligated to participate in (sort of, easiest way to explain it). I met more of his shift folks and another captain . . . though he was the year that graduated, so he’s off to start working in the real world.

Justin called this afternoon and asked if we could come to the fire station for dinner. We did and it was a super relaxed atmosphere cuz school is out for the summer . . . the first years, coming into the program, don’t start until next week and there were only a handful of people there.

Tobias got to sit and play inside the fire trucks . . . and hang out with dad, a lot! Until he was called out, but it was a short call and he was back within 20 minutes.

I can’t explain the pride I felt for my husband . . . standing there in his spiffy uniform . . . known as his ‘blues’ . . . getting a real feel for how well he managed himself and his position. I’ve had many of the folks he works with go on about how great he is and how they feel he will go far in the industry, etc. But to watch him myself . . . the ease with his co-workers and co-students . . . etc . . . just a proud wife, I am. . . a gushing one at that!

I know, ultimately, God has given him favor within the program and blessed this venture . . . our stepping out into the unknown on HIS unction. Knowing our lives could not go on with Justin breaking his back on 2-3 manual labor jobs, with very little break . . . barely making ends meet, sometimes not meeting the ends at all.

I thank God through all this . . . HE’s faithful, even when I freak out at the sight of the pending bills written down, I have a selfish tantrum cuz I can’t afford new stuff right now, or I get frustrated because I am home so much with toddlers (as cute and as in love with them as I am, still can be crazy frustrating) . . . no matter my attitude, HE is faithful. Doesn’t mean I stop trying to change, but the very act of mercy and kindness should lead me to repentance, lead me into a closer relationship with God, etc. The revelation of HIS love and faithfulness is overwhelming!

I have missed Justin so much this week as he works overtime during his one week break to make bills this month . . . but I thank God for such a man, at the same time. His boys will be better for their Momma being home and I can live without hair dye for now.

God Bless!

*update* Justin hates the pic I used on the top of this post.  It was taken during recruit weekend . . . his first weekend involved with the program last summer . . . I need to get pics of him in his blues and/or in his turnouts . . .

God

I talk a lot about myself on this here blog . . . I suppose thats what blogs are for.    But I just wanted to refresh that there is a God that is faithful to me beyond comprehension . . . beyond what I can do for HIM . . . beyond my unfaithfulness . . . beyond.

I have a God that loves me beyond this world’s knowledge . . . beyond my mistakes and my sin . . . beyond my humanity and unloveliness . . . beyond.

Jesus lived, showed true humility, love, compassion, relationship (to God and people); He died a bloody death and He rose again . . . His Spirit living in me to be my guide and my helpmate.

As much as I get wrapped into the pettiness of life . . . I, ultimately, know that I serve and worship one whose thoughts are high above mine and that I will see, in person, someday . . . in the not-so-distant future.

But, in the meantime He blesses me, provides for me, loves me, brings truth and grace in equal balance . . . all anchored in the Word of God.

I know He has stuff for me to do . . . but this season in my life has, and is, teaching me just to simply trust and hang out with Him . . . something I’m finding I have a hard time accomplishing.  I would much rather be uber-involved in my home church and be busy beaver doing stuff for Him (like thats necessary)  . . . much easier than sitting still . . . forcing myself off the ‘puter and into the Word, forcing my mind off of what’s for dinner and into worship and prayer.

Jesus is patient with me . . . something I am determined to show people around me.  Patience . . . something that is NOT naturally built into my bull-headed mind . . . but, along with grace, is a major aspect of HIMSELF that HE has showered me with . . . even when I didn’t deserve it . . . like I ever ever ever deserve it.

You know what . . . the post was still about me . . . haa haa. Typical human.

God Bless!

The pic is from our loverly trip to Seattle this past Saturday . . . um, something I don’t really wanna talk about. Ugh . . . see prior post. Anyhoo, it was such a nice evening!! Made the drive . . . well, not worth it, but it definitely eased the grumpies a bit.

grateful

Today I am grateful.  I am grateful for my unconditionally loving God, my awesomely hot husband, my two beautifully bright children, my completely provided for life, and the grace and faithfulness of God to keep covering it and creating it!

I dream a lot. Last night’s dream, that I won’t go into, brought perspective to the malcontent that creeps into my being; dissipating it completely, for now.

God Bless!

Hubby and Toby being goofy. Summer of 2007

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As independent and self-sufficient as you appear to be . . . you are fiercely loyal to your family . . . to me.  I get jealous easily but I do not question your integrity in that, just my own insecurity. You have proven nothing but extreme loyalty and faithfulness and, I believe, you always will . . . God willing. You work hard at your job and schooling to provide a living, as well as future for our family . . . but always save time to make sure we know of your devotion personally. I cherish this faithfulness you’ve settled on and I thank God daily that I have that stability and return respect.

Unlike my own teeth, my husband’s are not yellow naturally . . .I used a filter on this picture that tinted the entire thing yellow. He’s got nice white teeth. And this was taken in the throws of moving, so ignore the bare bookshelf behind him.