Mother Tucker

Mother’s Day . . . a day I attribute to my mother, not me.  I’ve been a mother only 3 years, and only to 2 children.  My mother has been a mother for 32 years, going on 33 years on June, and she’s been a fantastic mom to 7 kids, and one more added when she was a teenager; so 8 kids.  We’re all grown up and moved out now but she still takes up responsibility for us when we get in a pickle . . . more or less financially, anymore.  But her moral support and wisdom take the cake.  The older I get the more I’m aware of our similarities and quirks that mirror each others . . .  I’m sure I’m mirroring her more than the other way around . . .

That’s my momma on the left (obviously) and daddy and he’s holding Braxton, my nephew . . . and then Samuel is in my mom’s lap and Tobias is there too. This was July of last year, so a bit dated.

So my thoughts are with my mom today. Of course the card I bought was late being mailed so she won’t get until Tuesday or something but its the thought, right.  And I have a reputation to uphold here, you know.

I woke up this morning and my husband had beat me to the punch; getting the alert kiddos out of their cribs, feeding them, changing them, etc.  I went walk/jogging cuz I was feeling mighty guilty about the pizza I ate last night and I like to walk by myself . . . well, by myself with Bonko Byron

Yep, Bonko Byron . . . that would be the white streak of white off to your right.

Ah, it was a beautiful morning too . . . sunshine and all.  We went about 3 miles or so and came home.  My batteries a bit more charged.

Knowing Justin did have to put some hours in at work I didn’t want to bug him about going to the park or anything but it slipped anyway and he immediately agreed.  We packed Toby’s big wheel and the stroller and headed to Minto Brown Park . . . paved bike paths galore!!  Justin was teaching Tobias how to peddle the big wheel and when that got old . . . which, with a three year old, doesn’t take very long . . . played on the playground and then walked down to the dog park to let Bonko Byron run his energetic butt off. All with thick rain clouds intermixed with bright blue and sunshine . . . gorgeous and one of my favorite types of weather. Gotta compromise straight sunshine here in the Western bit of Oregon, eh.

You guessed it, I forgot my camera . . . again. But thats alright, I enjoyed myself so much that I would have forgotten it was there anyway.

Oh yeah, I got a card too . . . so funny . . . so Justin’s humor and it made it that much more special; and the one-of-a-kind Toby art drawn inside. Love it!

Words that describe how I feel about motherhood, in my severely limited experience:

*Love

*Fulfilling

*Protective

*Unconditional

*Sacrificial

*Overwhelming

*Challenging

*Commitment

*Insecure

*Secure

*Lonely

*Busy

*Tiring

*Worry

*Prayerful

*Hope

*Snuggle

Most of all I wanna be the best mom I can be to both my boys . . . as different as they are, I want them to come to their full potential; not in the world’s standards, but their full potential in what God has for them.  That their lives be full of the fruits of spirit because of their personal relationship with the one true God . . . spilling over into every part of their existence. And that they have confidence, not in and of themselves, but confidence in the one who ultimately created them and know His love and truth are secure no matter what happens in their natural world.

Again, this is July of 2007 . . . the boys were: Tobias 27 months and Samuel 10 months . . . give or take a few weeks. Oh yeah, and thats me, tanned from summer sun. Love that summer sun. I think Tobias was trying to get down and push Sam away at the same time; quite the feat.  And Sam was glaring or something at Tobias. hee hee . . . they were both squirming, I remember that.

So I have many friends and family that take on the same challenges, and more, in mothering their children . . . I want to wish you all a  Happy Mother’s Day and I hope your day was as full of peace and love!!

God Bless!

I’ve kind of, sort of, set this week apart, writing wise, for Tobias.  He turns 3 years old April 11th . . . Friday; geez, where has time gone?!  I’m going to wear that “where has time gone?” statement out . . . better think of about 20 more as he gets older each year, be a bummer to use the same statement every year. When he’s 40, I’ll be like “holy macrel, and I thought I was old!” . . . of course I will be almost 70 years old at that time. ha ha.

When I visit my parents that live several states away and my brothers, that live in the area, are hanging out as well . . . it hits home that my boys will eventually grow up to be men.  I’m not sure why it took me nearly 2 years into this to figure that out, but it did. The do not stay little boys, they grow to be giant men with dreams, personalities, hang-ups, passions, and faith of their own. I say giant because my brother Bill is 6′6″ and my other two bro’s are over 6′2″ . . . so it feels like they are gigantic.  I never thought that when I lived at home; my dad is 6′4″, so it runs in the old family line, but now I’m married to a man 5′10″ (average height), they seem huge.  I hug my bro, Billy, and my face barely comes to his chest height . . . um, weird.  I’m 5′10″, so I ain’t a shorty. His wife is 5′1″ or so, funny but their personalities are definite matches!

Anyway, some days I try to imagine what Tobias will look like and be like as he gets older.  And then my mind tends to wander back over how my brothers were as we grew up.  I was older than all of them, by only 2 years older than Billy though. They are just so different, except Jon, than I would have thought when they were kids; self-centered, whiny, wrestling-happy, and mean (we were siblings, they like to poke fun) little boys.  Now Billy is a welder in Nevada, mellow, hard working and fun to boot; no fun being poked my way at all! Jon is a dramatic, social, easy going and a stand up comedian (no matter who is around or where you are), Joshua is passionate about skateboarding . . . and he’s good at, easy going, quick to smile and laugh, loves his nephews, and tends to enjoy life; he’s exactly 10 years younger . . . thats the only way I keep his age straight. Otherwise I picture him as an awkward 13 year old all the time.  All three are handsome and well-rounded . . . they have my rock of a dad and my loving and supportive mom to thank for that.

So I watched them morph into the adults they are now.  I see how my parents loved them no matter the freak music they decided they loved, or the hairstyle they decided to sport, or the piercings, or the clothing, or the bad decisions made along the way . . .there was correction, don’t get me wrong, but their love was never ever ever doubted.  I experienced the same with my parents.  “Gentle but strong” . . . a saying that all the horse people I ever knew or rode with said many a time.  And I do think it applies to parenting as well.

You cannot love your child and omit discipline . . . you love your child, you will discipline . . . because you care where your child will end up 1 year, 2 years, 20 years down the road . . . true love cares for more than what feels good right now, or shuts them up right now . . . it cares for their very soul’s condition and their spirit.

There are so many parallels in parenting and our relationship with God, and the above is one . . . your Heavenly Father loves you, therefor HE will discipline . . . HE loves you too much to let the things that keep you from him continue.  Thats how you know the love of God is for you.

Wow, what a wondering post, sorry.  I’m just enthralled with the ‘growing up’ process of my boys right now. Tobias is looking less “baby” everyday and I’m caught off guard by his continuous flow of words and expressions . . . words and expression I actually understand immediately!

I thank God for the opportunity to have birthed Tobias and raise him the best I can under God’s grace and direction . . . I’m humbled daily by my role in life right now and I pray I can be even more humble and allow God to just have HIS way in my kids . . . talk about an awesome character to pass on . . . But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law -Galations 5:22-23

God Bless!

My youngest brother, Joshua, showing Tobias how to skateboard last February . . . too cute! T loves his uncles!

I have allowed myself to become quite angry, at times, over the past two days. The reason?  Not interested in sharing too much about that . . . but I will say that I have known frustration and I was reaquainted yesterday and today with the battle that ensues.  I read a gentleman’s blog today . . . in fact I added him to my blogroll, though I don’t know him personally, something in me was drawn to him . . . his simple but profound insights . . . plainly put for my brain to digest.  Like having a conversation with my grandpa, though I haven’t had a grandpa in my life since I was 15 years old. This is what I would imagine the insights would be like.

Ok, so struggling and stumbling along . . . part of me, the quieter, wiser part of me speaking to me of the high road and leaning into God with the issue . . . allowing my character to be changed . . . instead of worrying and fretting over someone else’s character flaws . . . but my rights and selfish ego were wrapped in what this person had done, etc . . . and it wasn’t the first time it had happened and I still hurt like the first and blah blah blah  . . . but the angry, bitter part of me rages against that quiet voice . . . one that screams about my perceived injustice and makes the petty small things seem like everything at the time . . .

I sat down at the computer, turned my worship cd and stumbled onto Distinct Impressions (the blog) and was immediately sucked in by the simple truths laid out in daily life.  I think I had read 6 or so posts and ran upon this one  http://distinctimpressions.wordpress.com/2008/02/12/type-when-frustrated/

Now, I’m not tech savvy, so you’ll have to copy and paste if you want to read that post.

This stuck out to me;

“But I’m frustrated because the only person I can cause to be different is me. Remember I said that frustration results from the belief that things are unalterable. Maybe that’s not entirely accurate. Maybe frustration arises when the only thing that can change is me — and I don’t want to.”

Ah, it hit home . . . the bullet hit its target.  I felt the hard exterior of my heart crack . . . the hardness caused by bitterness I had seeped all over it, self pity . . . all of it . . . and a glimpse of light slipped in.   How do I become so blind?  This life is not about me and my rights . . . my relationship with God should mean more to me than getting my way.  When I put myself in front of my Saviour . . . that speaks differently than I believe . . . I become unsettled.

My frustration is justifiable . . . there I said it.  But my residing in self-pity, anger, bitterness and judgment . . . not justified. Fine, I’ve been wronged, it hurts . . . I choose, right now, to give it to God and let it go.

Always a work in progress . . . thank you, Jesus, for your unending and faithful grace in my life!

Hubby is taking his last final of the term as I write this. His medical terminology final is/was today and he didn’t seem too nervous about that one . . . its the Chemistry one he was SO SO nervous about . . . shock and awe, he did just fine.

At times its been hard this term.  He had 26 credits to complete, 7 different courses.  He was gone a lot.  If it wasn’t the 24 hour shift, it was work-study, studying/homework, or just trying to catch up on what little sleep he could. I didn’t see much of him and what I did see, he was a bit stressed . . . yeah, not exactly refreshing fun.

I’m finding that, with God, I’m stronger that I ever thought I could be.  Though thats not to say I haven’t seemed to lose it a few times . . . unfortunately I can have quite the temper and a sharp tongue; two attributes about myself I am not proud . . . and it comes out a J.

I am thankful, mostly to God . . . but also my good and dear friends that have kept tabs on me and have made the lengthy road-trip to come see me . . . multiple times. I am so blessed and so grateful to have such friends and family!!

So, I am truly truly looking forward to 10 day of Hubby’s smiling face (extra help w/toddler #1 and #2) and to have him just relax, even if it is a short time.

I have questioned why I keep a blog at all. Words words words . . . but in the end, if anyone gets anything from me or the words written here (except to just catch up on us)  is that I am a completely imperfect person and to see the one that keeps me sane, sanctified and joyful . . . Jesus!

I attempt to live right, do the right thing . . . in general keep standards that are in check with my very core nature; the goodness God has placed there.

But today I allowed some actions and words loose before thinking and I regret them fully.  I do that, a lot actually, but today was a bit aggressive and not like me . . . so I almost feel like I’m still in shock with my own actions. It was nothing horrendous . . . don’t read into it more than what I’m stating . . . just worse than I want to lay claim to.

Usually stuff like that is just a red light in life to take time out and spend some quality time in the presence of God.  Usually over-due.  So, thats where I’m headed . . . to get stuff right. I had to finish the project I started for Kelli and now I’m off this blood-sucking machine.

I am a truly blessed individual . . . I don’t know why I doubt that at times . . . but I am!! God help me!  I think I want a bumper sticker that says ‘pride sucks’. 

God Bless!

me and the Sam.  2007 

Today I choose to be grateful; not because everything is going my way . . . cuz its not . . . but because I make willful choice to be thankful. I choose to trust God . . . and in that be thankful and grateful for everything! HE knows what is needed!

Matthew 6:25 - 34

25 “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 “Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet27 “And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? 28 “And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, 29 yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. 30 “But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! 31 “Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ 32 “For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Finances have stressed me out as of late but again and again God keeps reminding me what is truly important and thats to seek diligently after HIM, that HE is fully aware of our needs and desires and HE will care for us. I used to wonder about the above verses . . . so, we can just sit around and wait for God to just take care of us? Nope, thats not what I derive from these verses as I get older. What I see is a righteously jealous God, wanting our whole hearts, minds and all of our strength to be HIS and HIS alone . . . work and money are just parts of life but such little aspects compared to God and our relationship to HIM (or thats the way it should be). He desires good things for us and will provide those things when its necessary and with so much less stress than trying to hold everything together in our own strength. So today I choose to rest in HIM . . . my worries and my thoughts . . . HE is good all the time!

Thank you, Jesus for everything you’ve given us! Thank you for your discipline as well as your favor (which, ultimately, are one and the same) I want to walk closer to YOU and, in that, know you better!!

God Bless!

PS, while writing this . . . God provided in a big way . . . Justin just called me and shared with me that which is no less of a miracle for us! I thank you, God for good people in our lives that show us compassion!!

” . . . in much patience, in afflictions, in necessities, in distresses.” -2 Corinthians 6:4

It takes Almighty grace to take the next step when there is no vision and no spectator — the next step in devotion, the net step in your study, in your reading, in your kitchen; the next step in your duty, when there is no vision from God, no enthusiasm and no spectator. It takes far more of the grace of God, far more conscious drawing upon God to take that step, than it does to preach the gospel.

Every Christian has to partake of what was the essence of the Incarnation, he must bring the thing down into flesh and blood actualities and work it out through the finger tips. We flag when there is no vision, no uplift, but just the common round, the trivial task. The thing that tells in the long run for God and for men is the steady persevering work in the unseen, and the only way to keep the life uncrushed is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the yes of your spirit open to the Risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to damp you. Continually get away from pettiness and paltriness of mind and thought out into the thirteenth chapter of St. John’s Gospel.

“My Utmost For His Highest” Oswald Chambers

This is an answer to a prayer that I’ve been repeating for some time. Why? Why am I here, stuck at home . . . no car, no money . . . with none of the excess that I had grown accustomed to throughout my life.

I have found these words to be true in my own life. Keeping my eyes on the Lover of my Soul is the only way I keep from losing my very mind some days and falling into deep depression other days . . . He is the hope that sustains . . . no matter that I have no cheerleaders rallying around me or some spectacular public calling . . . I know how to pray, how to worship, how love my heavenly Father with all my heart . . . so these are the things that I will perfect . . . and raise my boys with similar values. Soon enough I’ll be outside the house, busy as a bee ( the way I like it), volunteering and heaping responsibility on my spiritual shoulders . . . but for now, I will learn to persevere and in that learn what true hope is . . . Jesus and my relationship with HIM! And learn how to function in the grace of God . . . instead of my own puny strength.

Ok, thats the thoughts for the night . . . I was uber excited when I read this during my devotional tonight and had to share!

God Bless!!

I’m struggling with what God has me here for today.  Struggling with notions of what my soul desires and what my spirit desires. I know I’m not alone in this struggle.  With feelings of being isolated from church and fam, I have become more lackadaisical about my daily devotion and for that I pay dearly . . .  therefor my boys pay and my husband pays. When will I come to the conclusion my purpose, right now, in this chapter of life, is to raise these two babies to know that there is a righteous, completely loving and merciful God . . . full of truth and wisdom . . . waiting to be their personal  Saviour!? If God so chooses not to use me for a single reason, beyond that, it should be fine with my soul. What a calling . . . larger than life. These two could grow to be fervently in love with Jesus and serve HIM in capacities I’m unable, for whatever reason.  May my faults not slow down the process of my God in their little lives. Put a guard on my mouth and wisdom in my heart to deal with the daily, small things that crop up, Jesus.  The call and commission of my God should be the only thing that matters . . . not anything of soulish nature but God!

“But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself.” -Acts 20:24

It is easier to serve God without a vision, easier to work for God without a call, because then you are not bothered by what God requires; common sense is your guide, veneered over with Christian sentiment.  You will be more prosperous and successful, more leisure-hearted, if you never realize the call of God.  But if once you receive a commission from Jesus Christ, the memory of what God wants will always come like a goad; you will no longer be able to work for Him on the common-sense basis.

What do I really count dear? If I have not been gripped by Jesus Christ, I will count service dear, time given to God dear, my life dear unto myself.  Paul says he counted his life dear only in order that he might fulfill the ministry he had received; he refused to use his energy for any other thing.  Acts 20:24 states Paul’s almost sublime annoyance at being asked to consider himself; he was absolutely indifferent to any consideration other than that of fulfilling the ministry he had received.  Practical work may be a competitor against abandonment to God, because practical work is based on this argument — Remember how useful you are here, or — Think how much value you would be in that particular type of work.  That attitude does not put Jesus Christ as the Guide as to where we should go, but our judgment as to where we are of most use.  Never consider whether you are of use; but ever consider that you are not your own but HIS.

“Utmost For His Highest” by Oswald Chambers

I worry pretty consistently whether I’m of any use or value in this life.  Worried that I’m giving enough and receiving enough day in and day out.  When my focus should be on the almighty and loving Saviour and what His commission for me is today. My intimacy with HIM should be the most important thing because its in that place of hanging out in HIS presence that I gain a clear understanding and a clear picture of what He’s up to for that day in my life.

I know I’m not the only one, like I said before, that struggles with this, so I hope this proves helpful for someone. Overall, I gotta learn how to become completely abandoned to God and thats what it boils down to.  The spirit is so willing but the flesh is weak. So today I choose the cross again.

God Bless!!

Some things are meant to be private . . . this is one of those things . . . just in case you’re following my pathetic little Anniversary countdown . . . You shall never discover #23 . . . but 22 will be posted tomorrow.

I’ll just say that I have one the sexiest men alive as my husband and I’m proud of it! God has blessed me beyond comprehension and I try not to take that for granted, though I fail at times . . . I know who the lover of my soul is and that is Jesus . . . if it weren’t for HIM and HIS saving grace I couldn’t maintain a fantastic relationship with Justin at all because I would constantly be looking to Justin to fulfill me when true satisfaction comes from my maker . . . my daily devotion to HIM is what keeps me right . . . HIS blood has cleansed me and broken bonds that would otherwise suffocate a loving relationship.   Thank You, God!

God Bless!

Visiting the Aquarium in Newport, OR last summer. Thank goodness J shaves his head now . . . 

If it were up to me . . .

I would control all things . . . people’s minds, emotions, actions, and ultimately those things would center around me.

Ok, maybe just control my family.

Man oh man . . . I’ve been convicted in this area. God keeps revealing (by allowing me to screw it up in my own special way) over and over and over that when left in HIS control (my relinquishing my freakedness about not being able to control all) that stuff just tends to work out better . . . for me, my kiddos and my hubby . . . and therefor the whole wide world. And I don’t compromise my health with the high blood pressure of control. This requires my attention to prayer and keeping my attitude . . . and therefor, my mouth in check at all times . . .

Yep, easier said than done but I’m workin’ on it. God help me!

My control freak face . . . . or ‘I’m a dork and shameless of that fact’ face.

ps, I do love the ‘teeth whitener’ thing on my photo editor . . . I think I might have to break down and buy an actual teeth whitening kit after seeing, for myself, how yellow my teeth have become in this photo . . . before it was doctored . . . stupid coffee.