Mother Tucker

Mother’s Day . . . a day I attribute to my mother, not me.  I’ve been a mother only 3 years, and only to 2 children.  My mother has been a mother for 32 years, going on 33 years on June, and she’s been a fantastic mom to 7 kids, and one more added when she was a teenager; so 8 kids.  We’re all grown up and moved out now but she still takes up responsibility for us when we get in a pickle . . . more or less financially, anymore.  But her moral support and wisdom take the cake.  The older I get the more I’m aware of our similarities and quirks that mirror each others . . .  I’m sure I’m mirroring her more than the other way around . . .

That’s my momma on the left (obviously) and daddy and he’s holding Braxton, my nephew . . . and then Samuel is in my mom’s lap and Tobias is there too. This was July of last year, so a bit dated.

So my thoughts are with my mom today. Of course the card I bought was late being mailed so she won’t get until Tuesday or something but its the thought, right.  And I have a reputation to uphold here, you know.

I woke up this morning and my husband had beat me to the punch; getting the alert kiddos out of their cribs, feeding them, changing them, etc.  I went walk/jogging cuz I was feeling mighty guilty about the pizza I ate last night and I like to walk by myself . . . well, by myself with Bonko Byron

Yep, Bonko Byron . . . that would be the white streak of white off to your right.

Ah, it was a beautiful morning too . . . sunshine and all.  We went about 3 miles or so and came home.  My batteries a bit more charged.

Knowing Justin did have to put some hours in at work I didn’t want to bug him about going to the park or anything but it slipped anyway and he immediately agreed.  We packed Toby’s big wheel and the stroller and headed to Minto Brown Park . . . paved bike paths galore!!  Justin was teaching Tobias how to peddle the big wheel and when that got old . . . which, with a three year old, doesn’t take very long . . . played on the playground and then walked down to the dog park to let Bonko Byron run his energetic butt off. All with thick rain clouds intermixed with bright blue and sunshine . . . gorgeous and one of my favorite types of weather. Gotta compromise straight sunshine here in the Western bit of Oregon, eh.

You guessed it, I forgot my camera . . . again. But thats alright, I enjoyed myself so much that I would have forgotten it was there anyway.

Oh yeah, I got a card too . . . so funny . . . so Justin’s humor and it made it that much more special; and the one-of-a-kind Toby art drawn inside. Love it!

Words that describe how I feel about motherhood, in my severely limited experience:

*Love

*Fulfilling

*Protective

*Unconditional

*Sacrificial

*Overwhelming

*Challenging

*Commitment

*Insecure

*Secure

*Lonely

*Busy

*Tiring

*Worry

*Prayerful

*Hope

*Snuggle

Most of all I wanna be the best mom I can be to both my boys . . . as different as they are, I want them to come to their full potential; not in the world’s standards, but their full potential in what God has for them.  That their lives be full of the fruits of spirit because of their personal relationship with the one true God . . . spilling over into every part of their existence. And that they have confidence, not in and of themselves, but confidence in the one who ultimately created them and know His love and truth are secure no matter what happens in their natural world.

Again, this is July of 2007 . . . the boys were: Tobias 27 months and Samuel 10 months . . . give or take a few weeks. Oh yeah, and thats me, tanned from summer sun. Love that summer sun. I think Tobias was trying to get down and push Sam away at the same time; quite the feat.  And Sam was glaring or something at Tobias. hee hee . . . they were both squirming, I remember that.

So I have many friends and family that take on the same challenges, and more, in mothering their children . . . I want to wish you all a  Happy Mother’s Day and I hope your day was as full of peace and love!!

God Bless!

Today I am grateful.  I am grateful for my unconditionally loving God, my awesomely hot husband, my two beautifully bright children, my completely provided for life, and the grace and faithfulness of God to keep covering it and creating it!

I dream a lot. Last night’s dream, that I won’t go into, brought perspective to the malcontent that creeps into my being; dissipating it completely, for now.

God Bless!

Hubby and Toby being goofy. Summer of 2007

I don’t want to be vague . . . I would actually like to spout off about a situation that I deal with day in and day out here my lovely apartment complex.  But I will choose to not spout off . . . in other words thrash these people.

Sometimes the best way to grow grace is keep my mouth shut and my heart right in God.  Its only by HIS grace that I’m not in the same predicament. Thank you, Jesus!

Alright . . . thats all I gotta say about that.

God Bless and good night.

My mom sent me photos of some of their plants and Cacti that were blooming like mad right now in good ol’Las Vegas, NV. I played around with the editing stuff (which I’m severely limited) and I liked this one . . . ain’t perfect but I like it anyhoo.

I’m a bit of house-hermit but this weekend some good friends of ours invited us over . . . an overnighter, folks. I don’t think I’ve done that since I was in my early 20’s and definitely before chitlins. That doesn’t include my Momma’s house. I was a tad nervous of how the kids would do . . . Sam hadn’t traveled for an overnight trip since he was 3 or 4 months old. But, as usual, things went better than I expected . . . actually they went really really well. And, on top of that, we spent some well-needed and overdue time with some very good friends! I enjoyed myself immensely and found myself even more grateful and blessed (and humbled) to have such people as these on my short list of friends.

Then last night we went to church.  I cried (literally) for the time lost at my “home” . . . where I feel most at home . . . and I cried cuz the presence of God was so thick in the place.  The message edifying and convicting all at once. And I can’t wait to get back.  It was excellent to see all of my friends as well! If you didn’t know, my church (Life Bible), is over an hours drive right now; living in Salem while J does his school thing.  And with finances being so slim, getting down there but once every couple of months is a miracle the last 6 months or so.  But I just choose to trust God, even though I don’t completely understand why He has us in this season.

Here’s some pics, hopefully its cool with my friends if they are posted on me blog.

Mixture of families, since there was a birthday party going on for Chad and Ezra.  My hubby is on your far right. hot!

At the table after some awesome burritos, courtesy of Sarah and Linda. Again, mixture of families and my hubby is on your far right.

Playing with our dog, Byron.  It was still relatively warm out at 8pm. My husband is on your far right . . . I’m seeing a pattern forming.

Enjoying cake and ice cream.  Ezra wanted a pink cake . . . so the frosting was, indeed, pink. Very cute! He turned 3 years old.

I didn’t mean for that last post to sound self righteous.  I have my many faults and do not live up to, even, my own standards most of the time . . . much less that of a faultless God. I am so very grateful for the grace God has chosen to show me in this life and lean completely and utterly on that . . . truth is something I’ve been convicted about gaining more of, through the Word, to balance out my daily walk with Jesus.

Nothing new to really update anyone on.  I do want to give honor to God for the place we call home right now.  A misunderstanding of a letter we received insinuated that we weren’t eligible to live here but it was ironed out quickly and we are no worse for wear.  God just keeps providing and keeps giving us favor where its obviously HIM.

And, again, finances just keep coming through! We are blessed with much more than money, but the finances are a necessity.

So, Justin tested for an officer position this past week; interview, written test, peer and teacher reviews . . . all 36 people left in the program did.  He should hear back next week.  Lieutenant or Captain (I believe) are one of the two he could be placed in . . . several people will be.  This is for the fire program and he will be over the first year students come Summer term.  Just the current update. So school is going good! He’s got a much more laid back term than last term . . . he’s home more frequently and he’s able to get to work study more often.

Samuel started going down the slide, at the playground, by himself.  For the past 3 months or so, he would climb the stairs just fine but then wait at the top for me to come set him on his rump and help him slide.  I kinda got busy talking to someone while they were playing and recognized he was at the top of the slide . . .  apparently I took too long; before I knew he was  squealing with delight as he came to the base of the slide. Tobias was on the slide next to him, so I’m sure he was watching and receiving coaching from his elder brother . . . but since then he has it figured out.  So very cute!! He’ll be 20 months May 12th and that means he nearing the 2 year mark! Crazy how life gets away from me . . .

Tobias, in the past couple of months has picked up singing. Mostly with his favorite movies and cd’s and sometimes to the radio with a random song. He mimics the sound and the words aren’t so clear but that does not keep the laughter at bay from mom and dad . . . or to keep us from joining him.  So far he’s been my hippety hopper (quite the moves that boy has!!) and now my crooner.  His dramatic nature just makes it so fun! I love it when he fake falls to the floor or dramatically fakes it as he runs into the wall and to the floor. I’m not sure where he picked that up but he’s obviously acting it out. And we really really have to keep an eye on what he watches cuz he mimics and acts out the stories and words with his toys, words and hands.

I have 15 pounds to go before I’m where I want to be physically.  Doesn’t seem like much but the last bit is so stubborn and motivation wanes with each passing pound. Thanks to Kacy I’ve revved it up with Billy Blanks’ Taebo videos.  I get so sore and keep saying “darn you, Billy Blanks, darn you,” whilst shaking my fist at the sky.  Justin keeps telling me that thats a really creepy thing to do and to knock it off.  hee hee. You know that just eggs me on. haa haa He’s not amused.

Well, geez . . . there’s an earful for ya . . . or eyeful, whatever.

We are in Harrisburg this fine weekend.  We are to be visiting and spending the night at some dear friends of ours, house.  An overnighter . . . thats a first in a long time, minus my parent’s house.  A bit nervous I am but so at ease when I remember how much we are loved and accepted by these cool people we call friends.

Welp . . . God bless!  I hope all of your weekends are fabulously full of family, friends and good times!!

mmm mmm . . . hotness! My hubby . . . don’t tell him I posted this, it would embarrass him.

I grew up being a pastor’s kid in a non-denominational church. That was 15 years of my life (age 10 on). So I was fully aware of “callings” and the like . . . all the religious jargen associated. I truly feel like my day in and day out, comings and goings, are what God has called me to. My eyes being focused on the one we were created to worship (Jesus) and letting the overflow of that . . . the fruits of being in HIS Spirit . . . effect my daily contacts and life. How I choose to treat my upstairs apartment neighbor is just as important as how I portray Jesus and HIS teachings in a message to thousands (I haven’t had the opportunity to do that, by the way). So I don’t have a clue what my “future” calling is . . . but I know what God has laid in my life and path to do today . . . raise my boys to truly know HIM, treat all humanity with the love and grace of our Saviour, and be the best wife possible.

As for dreaming, I dream about going back to Africa as a missionary . . . to somehow be involved in placing orphans and bringing a solid and truthful knowledge of Jesus where hope seems depleted. If thats in the cards God has for me, so be it.

I’m learning daily that I’m loved by an amazing and gracious God. I yearn for truth and wisdom . . . as much I do for grace and mercy . . . having more grace than truth is spiritually off balance . . . I’ve always leaned more on the side of grace and God is really convicting me to balance it out a bit with more truth.

I always thought I was adventurous.  Hey, I had traveled to Africa . . . lived in the ghettos of the outskirts of Nairobi . . . met and fell in love with a people  and land that I will never ever forget . . . a life altering experience (with God’s grace and protection).  I’ve experienced 50 mile endurance races . . . on horseback, that is . . . taking place on land and with people I knew nothing of; just colored tagging ribbons to light the non-path.  I’ve scuba dived and will continue to scuba dive the open ocean with my hunk of a husband. Fear has never been a strangle hold for me . . . as I know loved ones have dealt with. Don’t get me wrong . . . I’m not a daredevil, but I don’t mind indulging in the unknown, etc; and I definitely definitely have my limits!!

We move to Salem, Oregon and I am paralyzed in my apartment.  I ventured out in my own neighborhood . . . I have driven all of ten miles to a nice park on the edge of the Willamette University Campus . . . but I haven’t made an effort, at all, to get to know the city in which we’ve chosen to reside for the 3 years of Justin’s schooling.

Yesterday Justin and I went to South Salem . . . which seems much nicer than the area I live (which scares me in part. . . what was that about fear?) and enjoyed an immense park (like 900 acres).  They have an off-leash dog park area, consisting of 25 of those acres! Nice! Byron got to run about willy nilly and the boys had a chance to also wear themselves out quite nicely (reason for the early nap today)  . . . so we will be back there soon. And, of course, I forgot my camera.

But it hit me that, by summer, I need to have scouted out hiking opportunities, walking paths, swimming areas and hang outs that don’t require us to be on busy streets.  I might have to put my explorer hat on and take on the task.  Not ‘might’ . . . I have to . . . or I will go nuts holed up in my tiny area of Salem with very little to do.

Thats all I got to say about that.  I miss Eugene, mostly because I knew where stuff was . . . hiking, swimming, etc . . . but there is an excitement with figuring out new areas, getting lost, finding my way, etc.

God Bless!

I’ve kind of, sort of, set this week apart, writing wise, for Tobias.  He turns 3 years old April 11th . . . Friday; geez, where has time gone?!  I’m going to wear that “where has time gone?” statement out . . . better think of about 20 more as he gets older each year, be a bummer to use the same statement every year. When he’s 40, I’ll be like “holy macrel, and I thought I was old!” . . . of course I will be almost 70 years old at that time. ha ha.

When I visit my parents that live several states away and my brothers, that live in the area, are hanging out as well . . . it hits home that my boys will eventually grow up to be men.  I’m not sure why it took me nearly 2 years into this to figure that out, but it did. The do not stay little boys, they grow to be giant men with dreams, personalities, hang-ups, passions, and faith of their own. I say giant because my brother Bill is 6′6″ and my other two bro’s are over 6′2″ . . . so it feels like they are gigantic.  I never thought that when I lived at home; my dad is 6′4″, so it runs in the old family line, but now I’m married to a man 5′10″ (average height), they seem huge.  I hug my bro, Billy, and my face barely comes to his chest height . . . um, weird.  I’m 5′10″, so I ain’t a shorty. His wife is 5′1″ or so, funny but their personalities are definite matches!

Anyway, some days I try to imagine what Tobias will look like and be like as he gets older.  And then my mind tends to wander back over how my brothers were as we grew up.  I was older than all of them, by only 2 years older than Billy though. They are just so different, except Jon, than I would have thought when they were kids; self-centered, whiny, wrestling-happy, and mean (we were siblings, they like to poke fun) little boys.  Now Billy is a welder in Nevada, mellow, hard working and fun to boot; no fun being poked my way at all! Jon is a dramatic, social, easy going and a stand up comedian (no matter who is around or where you are), Joshua is passionate about skateboarding . . . and he’s good at, easy going, quick to smile and laugh, loves his nephews, and tends to enjoy life; he’s exactly 10 years younger . . . thats the only way I keep his age straight. Otherwise I picture him as an awkward 13 year old all the time.  All three are handsome and well-rounded . . . they have my rock of a dad and my loving and supportive mom to thank for that.

So I watched them morph into the adults they are now.  I see how my parents loved them no matter the freak music they decided they loved, or the hairstyle they decided to sport, or the piercings, or the clothing, or the bad decisions made along the way . . .there was correction, don’t get me wrong, but their love was never ever ever doubted.  I experienced the same with my parents.  “Gentle but strong” . . . a saying that all the horse people I ever knew or rode with said many a time.  And I do think it applies to parenting as well.

You cannot love your child and omit discipline . . . you love your child, you will discipline . . . because you care where your child will end up 1 year, 2 years, 20 years down the road . . . true love cares for more than what feels good right now, or shuts them up right now . . . it cares for their very soul’s condition and their spirit.

There are so many parallels in parenting and our relationship with God, and the above is one . . . your Heavenly Father loves you, therefor HE will discipline . . . HE loves you too much to let the things that keep you from him continue.  Thats how you know the love of God is for you.

Wow, what a wondering post, sorry.  I’m just enthralled with the ‘growing up’ process of my boys right now. Tobias is looking less “baby” everyday and I’m caught off guard by his continuous flow of words and expressions . . . words and expression I actually understand immediately!

I thank God for the opportunity to have birthed Tobias and raise him the best I can under God’s grace and direction . . . I’m humbled daily by my role in life right now and I pray I can be even more humble and allow God to just have HIS way in my kids . . . talk about an awesome character to pass on . . . But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law -Galations 5:22-23

God Bless!

My youngest brother, Joshua, showing Tobias how to skateboard last February . . . too cute! T loves his uncles!

Ok, the post before this was wrought with emotion . . . whether or not I portrayed that.  I believe I was crying at the time.

I thought I’d let you all know I’m fine.  It all worked out . . . an extraordinarily short conversation took place and apologies were spoken earnestly and  the subject was dropped . . . both parties realizing I had blown it out of proportion in my mind . . . as I do frequently.

Anyhoo . . . all is good and peaceful in the land Mother Tucker this evening.

Actually I’m doing quite well.

Hubby was taking a test all day today to earn his state EMT basic certification. A very difficult and hands on type of test. He passed it folks.  As I knew he would . . . God is so faithful and Justin is a hard hard worker! PROUD wife and best friend tonight!

*warning, abrupt subject change*

I’m horrible about taking my camera places . . . hence the reason for so many home-bound pictures of the fam and stuff.  And if I manage to remember the camera I tend to forget that I have it (cuz I’m so used to forgetting it) and don’t capture any photos.

I actually remembered it on the evening of our anniversary.  I had plans of getting fab photos of us trekking downtown Portland, OR . . . eating at the cute and quaint place we dined . . . smooching under the stars . . . my cool shoes . . . anything but this

My dorky self . . .

Hubby trying to ignore my giddy, yet dorky self . . .

Ah, the togetherness . . . can you feel the dork juice oozing from the screen? Watch out! It is contagious!

Yeah . . . those are the pics I took . . . on our way to Portland.  Once the camera was put in its cute little pouch . . . it was forgotten. Very sad about this because the restaurant that we chose was so cute . . . and it was in the cutesy, artsy, part of downtown Portland . . . Oregon, that is.

Dork-ridden pictures of our 6th anniversary outing . . . kind of fitting actually.

God Bless!

I have allowed myself to become quite angry, at times, over the past two days. The reason?  Not interested in sharing too much about that . . . but I will say that I have known frustration and I was reaquainted yesterday and today with the battle that ensues.  I read a gentleman’s blog today . . . in fact I added him to my blogroll, though I don’t know him personally, something in me was drawn to him . . . his simple but profound insights . . . plainly put for my brain to digest.  Like having a conversation with my grandpa, though I haven’t had a grandpa in my life since I was 15 years old. This is what I would imagine the insights would be like.

Ok, so struggling and stumbling along . . . part of me, the quieter, wiser part of me speaking to me of the high road and leaning into God with the issue . . . allowing my character to be changed . . . instead of worrying and fretting over someone else’s character flaws . . . but my rights and selfish ego were wrapped in what this person had done, etc . . . and it wasn’t the first time it had happened and I still hurt like the first and blah blah blah  . . . but the angry, bitter part of me rages against that quiet voice . . . one that screams about my perceived injustice and makes the petty small things seem like everything at the time . . .

I sat down at the computer, turned my worship cd and stumbled onto Distinct Impressions (the blog) and was immediately sucked in by the simple truths laid out in daily life.  I think I had read 6 or so posts and ran upon this one  http://distinctimpressions.wordpress.com/2008/02/12/type-when-frustrated/

Now, I’m not tech savvy, so you’ll have to copy and paste if you want to read that post.

This stuck out to me;

“But I’m frustrated because the only person I can cause to be different is me. Remember I said that frustration results from the belief that things are unalterable. Maybe that’s not entirely accurate. Maybe frustration arises when the only thing that can change is me — and I don’t want to.”

Ah, it hit home . . . the bullet hit its target.  I felt the hard exterior of my heart crack . . . the hardness caused by bitterness I had seeped all over it, self pity . . . all of it . . . and a glimpse of light slipped in.   How do I become so blind?  This life is not about me and my rights . . . my relationship with God should mean more to me than getting my way.  When I put myself in front of my Saviour . . . that speaks differently than I believe . . . I become unsettled.

My frustration is justifiable . . . there I said it.  But my residing in self-pity, anger, bitterness and judgment . . . not justified. Fine, I’ve been wronged, it hurts . . . I choose, right now, to give it to God and let it go.

Always a work in progress . . . thank you, Jesus, for your unending and faithful grace in my life!