Mother Tucker

I’ve kind of, sort of, set this week apart, writing wise, for Tobias.  He turns 3 years old April 11th . . . Friday; geez, where has time gone?!  I’m going to wear that “where has time gone?” statement out . . . better think of about 20 more as he gets older each year, be a bummer to use the same statement every year. When he’s 40, I’ll be like “holy macrel, and I thought I was old!” . . . of course I will be almost 70 years old at that time. ha ha.

When I visit my parents that live several states away and my brothers, that live in the area, are hanging out as well . . . it hits home that my boys will eventually grow up to be men.  I’m not sure why it took me nearly 2 years into this to figure that out, but it did. The do not stay little boys, they grow to be giant men with dreams, personalities, hang-ups, passions, and faith of their own. I say giant because my brother Bill is 6′6″ and my other two bro’s are over 6′2″ . . . so it feels like they are gigantic.  I never thought that when I lived at home; my dad is 6′4″, so it runs in the old family line, but now I’m married to a man 5′10″ (average height), they seem huge.  I hug my bro, Billy, and my face barely comes to his chest height . . . um, weird.  I’m 5′10″, so I ain’t a shorty. His wife is 5′1″ or so, funny but their personalities are definite matches!

Anyway, some days I try to imagine what Tobias will look like and be like as he gets older.  And then my mind tends to wander back over how my brothers were as we grew up.  I was older than all of them, by only 2 years older than Billy though. They are just so different, except Jon, than I would have thought when they were kids; self-centered, whiny, wrestling-happy, and mean (we were siblings, they like to poke fun) little boys.  Now Billy is a welder in Nevada, mellow, hard working and fun to boot; no fun being poked my way at all! Jon is a dramatic, social, easy going and a stand up comedian (no matter who is around or where you are), Joshua is passionate about skateboarding . . . and he’s good at, easy going, quick to smile and laugh, loves his nephews, and tends to enjoy life; he’s exactly 10 years younger . . . thats the only way I keep his age straight. Otherwise I picture him as an awkward 13 year old all the time.  All three are handsome and well-rounded . . . they have my rock of a dad and my loving and supportive mom to thank for that.

So I watched them morph into the adults they are now.  I see how my parents loved them no matter the freak music they decided they loved, or the hairstyle they decided to sport, or the piercings, or the clothing, or the bad decisions made along the way . . .there was correction, don’t get me wrong, but their love was never ever ever doubted.  I experienced the same with my parents.  “Gentle but strong” . . . a saying that all the horse people I ever knew or rode with said many a time.  And I do think it applies to parenting as well.

You cannot love your child and omit discipline . . . you love your child, you will discipline . . . because you care where your child will end up 1 year, 2 years, 20 years down the road . . . true love cares for more than what feels good right now, or shuts them up right now . . . it cares for their very soul’s condition and their spirit.

There are so many parallels in parenting and our relationship with God, and the above is one . . . your Heavenly Father loves you, therefor HE will discipline . . . HE loves you too much to let the things that keep you from him continue.  Thats how you know the love of God is for you.

Wow, what a wondering post, sorry.  I’m just enthralled with the ‘growing up’ process of my boys right now. Tobias is looking less “baby” everyday and I’m caught off guard by his continuous flow of words and expressions . . . words and expression I actually understand immediately!

I thank God for the opportunity to have birthed Tobias and raise him the best I can under God’s grace and direction . . . I’m humbled daily by my role in life right now and I pray I can be even more humble and allow God to just have HIS way in my kids . . . talk about an awesome character to pass on . . . But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law -Galations 5:22-23

God Bless!

My youngest brother, Joshua, showing Tobias how to skateboard last February . . . too cute! T loves his uncles!

Its clearing!! Oh, thank you Jesus!  I was dreading doing the workout videos today . . . they do get old, especially the same 8 or so that I use consistently.  The boys will enjoy the jaunt as well as I’m sure . . . the short bursts of time outside don’t seem to squelch their amazing energy levels. Now the sun is shining!! Yippeee for me!

Energy levels I wish they would share with me today since my coffee canister is empty as empty can be.  I didn’t realize J had to be at school right away this morning so I figured I could just go out pick some up before he left . . . . oh no! Nope, he had to be there, pretty much, right after he woke up.  He’s getting groceries tonight, which I appreciate, but I will have to wait until tomorrow for my loving and addictive cup of joe.  This has happened too many times in the last couple of months . . . one should not have to endure such hardships as this more than once every few years! Catastrophe, there’s a word for it . . .

Ah well . . . hey, my dad is doing really good.  They have a park about 15 minutes (walk) from their house and he’s been trekking that twice a day.  The doc said do if he can and he has. I’m so thankful to God for the surgery going good and a quick recovery! I won’t be going down until later in the summer. Finances are always playing a part, aren’t they?! Ugh!

Well, I’m getting off this thang . . . sure sucks the life-blood right out of you . . . kind of like watching tv. 

God Bless and have a great rest of the week!

My dad’s surgery went fantastic, for all who are interested.  He also has began to heal quickly.  The doctor warned him he would, most likely, be in the hospital for about week afterwards to begin the 3, or so, months of regaining strength and stamina.

God is good, as we all know . . . all the time.  But prayer works and my dad is already home . . . as of yesterday!! 4 days, folks . . . 2-3 days sooner than expected!!  He says he feels fantastic and was pleasantly surprised that there wasn’t as much pain as originally communicated by docs and nurses.

I give honor to God, cuz I know better.  Thank you so much, everyone, for your prayers and support!!  Please keep doing so for quick and complete recovery!

God Bless!!!

Communication. I know you wouldn’t guess, by how much I write here, that I’m not a good communicator . . . but that’s also why I write so often on my blog. I write when my day slows enough for me to empty thoughts that would otherwise go unrecognized. I am absolutely horrible about calling people, making dates and keeping them, and just plain contacting people that I love. Out of sight, out of mind is very much how my brain functions. I’m not proud of this. Some of the most important relationships get overlooked because I’m blind to maintaining them. And when I finally do get to meet and hang out with my friends (the ones that will still claim me) I find my line of thought and conversation differs from most.

I inherited this Conversation Dysfunction gene from father. He is the same way. Love ya, dad, but this is neither of our strong suites! So he’s going on 62 this year and, if anything, the phenomenon of C-D (Conversation Dysfunction) is getting stronger . . . so I’m not sure there is much hope for me.

I love beautiful weather . . . just this morning the boys and I got out into the sunshine . . . and oh boy, it was nice . . . fresh air . . . what? Oh, what was I talking about again? Crap. Oh yeah, the recessive C-D gene . . . back to it

One other sign of having the genetic disorder is that, while having a regular conversation with someone, on a subject both of you are interested, you will suddenly interject something random that, either comes to mind or that you see out the vehicle window or crack a joke that really doesn’t have anything to do with what you are discussing. You will know the interjected phrase/joke was improper due to the awkward silence and quizzical look of the 2nd party. The subject of conversation is interrupted, most of the time, so badly that it is forgotten and minutes later a completely different subject matter will come up . . . sometimes following the lead of the C-D random thought.

The only time I am not aware, so much, of the C-D is when I’m hanging with family. I believe this is so because we all, for one are carrying the dysfunctional gene, and for two we are so used to C-D we can’t even pinpoint when it happens. Subjects of conversation change on a dime and no one gets too invested in a subject matter to avoid feeling hurt when someone mentions how funny the news cast lady looks with her new hair do . . . as though they are oblivious to the passion on which you referred to the plight of starving children in Ethiopia.

We are not an uncaring bunch, we are just suffering from C-D. So if you are getting to know any of us, my blood relations, just be aware of what you are dealing with. Be fully alert for sudden subject changes in conversation and random thoughts . . . oh and the distraction due to shiny objects will make us completely forget what we are talking about and, yet, change subjects again. Just gently lead us back to the subject at hand, as though we are ’special people’ and we then will happily talk, yet again, of whatever was the conversation topic.

This is frustrating at times, I know, just be patient with us.

God Bless!

I’m gonna complain . . . just a forewarning.

We got our tax return, thats what we were to live on and get caught up with, including our vehicles insured.  It was not nearly the amount we were expecting . . . I still can’t figure out where the breakdown in communication in figuring all that out happened but it was considerably less than expected. Soooooo, life will go on as usual . . . pretty much home-bound for awhile longer.  I’m frustrated and irritated and disappointed. I miss my church, my family, my friends and just plain being able to get around without a double stroller and waiting for weather to clear enough so we don’t contract pneumonia.  I can’t seem to bring my spirits up today but I keep praying for understanding and insight into why I am where I am . . . right now.

I know God is bigger and has a bigger plan than my view of my hand in front of my face.  I think it might boil down to just plain trusting in HIM.  Who do I think I am to challenge the plans of such a God that has love deeper than I’ll ever experience in this lifetime . . . and has my best interest at heart . . . not to mention wisdom beyond the ages and the all knowing thing that HE possesses? :)  I know one thing, I am absolutely in love with my God and nothing in this life, because of the sacrifice of Jesus, will ever separate me from that love.  No matter how isolated I feel or anxious about life . . . HE holds the prominent spot in my heart and life.  He has seen to my needs and wants thus far . . . I trust HE will continue to do so.

Oh, on the positive, trusting God note.  My dad is doing awesome!! He said he’s not as in as much pain as they lead him to believe prior to the surgery.  He’s sitting up for several hours at a time and says he already feels a difference in the way he feels . . . for the better!!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you God!!!! God is good, so very good and faithful  . . .  not as humans are faithful but only as God can be faithful . . . unchanging!  Thank you God!

Now I’m smiling.  Its good to recount the blessings and goodness of God to counteract the negativity that attacks sometimes.  So I thank you God and I trust you with our immediate future, as well as our long-term future . . . all is in YOUR hands!!

Thought: I don’t need to understand what God’s doing, I just need to get humble under HIS hand and stay there to see it through.  I choose to be abandoned to the ONE who loved me out of my pit and my despair! 

God Bless!

Hi, I’m on break, which means the kids are peacefully sleeping away in their cribs for nap.  :)  I do love this time, its rejuvenating in a lot of ways.

I’ve talked to my mother multiple times today, the first being her waking me at 7:30am to let me know dad was going back for surgery at that very moment. Ok, sleep was not coming back after that so I slowly made my way to the kitchen to make coffee and do some praying. I was more anxious than I thought I would be but could not get my dad off my mind, I ended up praying a lot! Then I called her around 10am, he was still in surgery. Thats normal, I was mostly checking on her status; my bro, Billy, was with her so I worried less. Then she called me around 11:20am and he was out of surgery . . . everything went fine, though they ended needing to bypass 5 arteries, instead of 4 . . . but it still went very smoothly and he’s sedated in ICU right now.  The 24 hours after surgery is the most crucial.  Strokes can happen, not to mention other potential difficulties . . . so they keep a super close eye on him for a day or two.  Then he will start his recovery in the hospital for a few days then go home, probably Wednesday or Thursday of next week.  Its a painful recovery, from what I gather, so please keep praying that God just speeds recovery and gives my dad the grace to deal.  HE is faithful, so I’m not worried, just want to keep him in prayer.

Wow, I think thats all I have to say about that. Nothing new here. Justin is off taking a day of leisure scuba diving with a buddy of his today.  He loves to dive! So I hope he’s having the time of his life! He works so hard I’m glad he gets to just take off today! Though I have to say he’s diving a bay up by Tillamook and the name sounds like retard . . . so I’ve been calling it retard bay, I think its native American and it seems that its Negard bay or something but its waaaaay to close to retard . . . thats too bad.   I told him not to get retarded in retard bay. haa haa I crack myself up!

Ok, not that funny  . . . guess I’m going now.

God Bless!

Mom, dad, Tobias (26 months old), Samuel (8 months old) and cousin Braxton (15 months old) . . . see, my dad is a handsome dude! :)  

I just hung up (from talking on the phone) with my dad.  He has quadruple bypass surgery scheduled tomorrow morning, 7:30am.  I try to encourage and abate fears and generally just be a supporting daughter but in the back of my mind is a nagging thought as I say ‘I love you, I’m praying for you . . . ok, bye and goodnight dad,” that it is so insignificant to what he’s about to endure . . . and of course my morbid minds thinks ‘what if this is the last ‘goodbye dad’?  When a surgical procedure requires the doctors to stop your heart and then restart your heart it freaks me out a bit . . . not to mention all the other stuff they do during.  I’ve only had one surgical procedure and that was having my galbladder removed after T was born, 6 months after . . . yeah, thats not even in comparison to what my dad faces tomorrow and for the next 2 - 3 months of complete healing.  Waking up to the pain was the worst thing I have ever experienced and it wasn’t invasive surgery . . . I can’t remember what they call it. So my heart and mind rest with my dad tonight as he attempts to get as much sleep as possible. My prayers are for him every minute.

My dad has always held a high place in my heart and always will. I’m getting mushy but I can’t help it. I also told myself I wasn’t going to blog as much cuz I talk too much but here I am again . . . addictive this thing is!  He’s held a high place in my heart, even after realizing, around the time I was 24 or so, that he was, indeed human . . . not God . . . I held deep respect for him and a new found love for my God . . . One that loves and uses people for HIS good and perfect will that aren’t perfect, just humble under HIM. Its called grace.

Thank you, God, for an amazing and steadfast dad that loved me and encouraged me to be me . . . even if he didn’t understand me, I never knew that.  He went horseback riding with me, he encouraged me to seek God in all things, he loved my mom passionately, he was selfless in so many ways! God bless my dad in this time of anxiety and allow him to get a full night’s rest for the procedure tomorrow . . . allow for a perfect work, quick healing and recovery . . . and, above all, grace to handle it and your presence to endure. Thank you Jesus!

And of course, I owe the honor of my severe caffeine addiction to the one who raised me . . . my dad.  I worked with him when I was about 19-ish, which required us to drive to the coast (a 2 hour trip, one way) and lattes and mochas were purchased daily, every morning . . . butt-crack of dawn, as we’d say.  I slowly converted to black coffee and that is what I now prefer . . . every stinkin’ day! Coffee gooooood

This is my dad hanging out in his living room in Henderson, NV . . . he would probably irked if he knew I used this picture, its not a great pic of him . . . he’s actually quite handsome . . . but the coffee cup is such a fixture in our family.  I believe we all drink the black bitter goodness.