self pity

Not a way to start off the morning. I was feeling sorry for myself before ever pulling myself out of bed this morning.

I had plans to get myself up before 7am and get my jog/walk time in but didn’t . . . I blame the mild head cold that I have but it really isn’t a show stopper, so its not a legit excuse.

If I don’t go jogging (walk/jog) before J is getting ready to leave for school, I don’t get to go by myself . . . its a whole new type of event to load up my kids and make sure they’re cozy enough, fed, watered, etc . . . juice and snacks are provided on the trip. The solace of the outing is missing when the tots are present . . . instead whining persists . . . never enough snacks and juice. Why doesn’t my mother live closer!?! Poor me . . . I am always always serving and I just want time periodically or even spontaneously just to drop the boys off with my momma and breath for a bit

Ok, so the above paragraph are the negative statements floating around in my head as I’m making breakfast. I’m being relatively polite, despite the fact I hadn’t had my official cup of joe (our coffee pot is slow by the way) and I was deciding to wallow in the mire that is known as me and my friend selfish

Hubby, the dunce, had decided to hang around a bit this morning . . . not a good morning to do so. So the inevitable happened, the words I was allowing my brain and soul to digest instead of praying about them came out at him. He looks me in the eye and says “If you want to put the boys in daycare so you can pursue other things, we can . . . just let me know.” So matter-a-fact! My hackles raised . . . absolutely not. We’ve already built our lives around accommodating my staying home with them . . . what we decided was best . . . blah blah blah . . . I kept talking though it gets muttled in my brain as to what I actually said . . . I rant a bit sometimes.

But then it dawned on me . . . and, yes, I can be slow at times . . . that being home with my gorgeous boys is the only thing I want to do . . . its ok that I don’t have a built in babysitter (though I get envious occasionally with friends that do) and they aren’t this age forever, you know. It feels like it at times, but they aren’t. And, ultimately, if there’s less of me and my friend selfish, the more I can be full of someone else I admire more than anything or one in this world . . . Jesus. I’ve sucked it up lately, keeping my devotional time right, and I see it in my demeanor towards my hubby and my kids . . . time to set it right and keep it right. Thats my biggest prayer right now is to become steady in HIM, not just flip into grace, flip out of HIS covering, etc etc . . . kind of done being tossed by the waves of this life and my emotions . . .

Alright . . . so it hasn’t been the easiest time ever with Hubby in school and having two young toddlers . . . money can be tight tight at times and living in a new city has its major drawbacks (mostly away from family and friends) . . . but there is ONE whom I will never be separated, for eternity . . . and thats Jesus.

Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. -Psalm 27:14